So I was listening to music, as I usually am, and one of the lines in this song resonated with me…
“And before my head agrees, my heart is on its knees…”
The song is sung by Francesca Battistelli and it is about Mary after the angel told her she would be with child. Now I was never one of those young girls moved by Mary. Yea, I thought she was nice and chosen by God to carry Jesus, but sometimes I just felt like, ok, where is the personality? I wanted to be Esther, so beautiful and cunning that I manage to capture the attention of a king. Then brave enough to decide to risk my life, ruin my marriage, all to save my people. I don’t know man, next to that, Mary just seemed so submissive and boring to me, no offense Jesus.
But you know lately, I have been learning a lesson or twenty about control. In this walk with God control no longer belongs to me, and well that’s very scary. Finding yourself in situations where you can do absolutely nothing, nothing logical that is, but wait for God to save you or turn the tide is very frustrating. I liked to control everything. From the infrastructure of my friendships to the infrastructure of society in general. Someone explain to me why I thought that just because Laura wanted something to go this way, then that is the way it would go…Then when it didn’t go that way I walked away from it.
Hmm, so now I find myself constantly butting heads with God because I am too impatient to give his way a chance to flourish. And in my control maniac ways I tend to walk away from God. Problem is though, I realize now that I have no place to go. Deep Sigh. Now I pray for a little bit of Mary in me. To just trust God and walk by faith and not by sight. To follow before He explains to me the logistics of where I am going. That is sooo hard. I love Esther, but I see now that Mary too was a boss in her own right.
Here’s the song, hope you enjoy!