Making Better Decisions

I remember reading somewhere how sometimes Christians can be like a particular horse that this guy owned. He explained how the horses leg was caught in a trap of some sort rendering him unable to move. The horse tried his best to free himself but after some time he gave up the fight. After the owner came and freed the horse, no matter what the owner tried, it took a while to get the horse to move because the horse just could not fully grasp that he was free to move.

I get discouraged.

I get encouraged.

I feel defeated.

I rebuke defeat.

I get delivered.

Then I don’t know what to do with myself at this point…

I got so use to the dance that I don’t know how not to perform the dance anymore. The fear of falling back to my old ways makes me scared to make another move. Have you ever woken up sometimes after a rough week and laid in bed waiting for the stress, negativities, and worries of life to wake up with you but they never come? No? Lately, this has been happening to me a lot. I wake up free and I spend so much time waiting for my freedom to wear off, that I end up wasting so much time and miss out on life.

“And He arose out of the synagogue, and entered into Simon’s house. And SImon’s wife’s mother was taken with a great fever; and they besought Him for her. And He stood over her, and He rebuked the fever; and it left her: and immediately she arose and ministered unto them. Luke 4: 38-39

I read that and I just thought that, that was beautiful. The NLT version of the bible says “and she got up at once and prepared a meal for them.” This put it into a more relatable perspective for me. She ministered in whatever way she was equipped to minister by using her talents to benefit the people around her. She reminded me a lot of my mom. No matter her situation if something needed to get done for someone she would get it done. I would watch how even with eyes hung low from tiredness or a headache, or arthritis pain, she would still rise to prepare the necessary meals, whether it be for us, church or her friends, it got done.

I have been realizing how lazy and complacent I have been allowing myself to become while at Cornell. Yes, this school is very hard at times, and life, especially emerging into your 20s, comes with some new found emotional complications, but I am still breathing and I still awake every morning. So tomorrow when I awake what decision will I make?

Will I arise and immediately thank God for my blessings and my freedom?

Will I make the decision to choose productiveness and joy despite my circumstances that day?

I don’t think I will ever wake up ready to see past myself and unto others. Sure, some days I will wake up like that, but that is not what builds character in me. Waking up and making the decision to minister to God, yourself, and others is what builds character. It is a choice and it will not be easy especially because I have been acting in my bad habits for sometime now. But I will try. And I will pray and hope that as I keep drawing nigh to God and making better decisions that I develop new habits.

“Stand fast therefore in the liberty wherewith Christ hath made us free, and be not entangled again with the yoke of bondage.” Galatians 5:1

 

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When I am my own Stumbling Block

From that time on Jesus began to explain to his disciples that he must go to Jerusalem and suffer many things at the hands of the elders, the chief priests and the teachers of the law, and that he must be killed and on the third day be raised to life. Peter took him aside and began to rebuke him. “Never, Lord!” he said. “This shall never happen to you!” Jesus turned and said to Peter, “Get behind me, Satan! You are a stumbling block to me; you do not have in mind the concerns of God, but merely human concerns.” Matthew 16: 21-23

When Jesus told Peter to “get behind me, Satan” Peter was merely trying to “save” or “protect” Jesus. However, Jesus knew better and He understood that He needed the cross, not only for God’s Glory but for Peters’ sake as well.

I think there are times when people’s good intentions may end up causing more harm than good, but the Holy Spirit revealed something more to me with these verses. I keep trying to save myself, or get other people to save me from my moments of pain. At some point I am going to have to put on my big girl pants and embrace the season of pain because it is what is needed to get me to my next destination in God. It is what is needed to build my perseverance, my strength, my character, and my faith.

By trying to save myself I also end up robbing people of the blessings that God may have had for them as a result of my season. Maybe my testimony will encourage someone some day, or that my experience will allow me to be an encouragement to someone else because I will understand. Whatever the reason, I don’t want to just be a hearer of the word only but a doer as well. And, well, lately, I have been doing a lot of listening and not a lot of doing. Deep Breath. In Jesus name, God help me embrace ALL of my seasons by not being afraid to obey what You have told me. Amen.

Thank God for God

I am so thankful for a God who cares about my feelings.

Lately, I have been having a lot of trouble regulating my emotions. Emotional roller coaster is an understatement. I know that I love God, and that I can confidently say that I desire to want Him above everyone and everything in my life. But lately I have been feeling so guilty because although I know I want Him, there are still aspects of me that want other things more. This constant back and forth between happiness, guilt, shame, redemption has just finally begun to take a toll on me. And so out of frustration I just went to God and with my heart as open as could be I exclaimed to Him to please let me feel. I poured out how I felt right there at His feet, and although I received no answers, and nothing about my situation changed, I felt accepted. I felt him whisper to me that He cares about how I feel.

In this moment that meant the world to me. In this moment God stopped just for me, he shielded me from the fire of this refining process, the process that will make me more like Him to tell me, show me, that He loves me for who I am. He loves me right where I am.

He loves me for me.