This 4am blog post was inspired by my need to uplift my soul. I am currently experiencing a very stressful week, and one of my stressors is an organic chemistry prelim that I have tonight. While studying, I took a nap from 11pm-2 and when I awoke, my eyes were no longer tired and my brain was alert, yet I found my body unable to rise from the floor. In both a literal and figurative sense, I found that my soul was heavy. My soul was physically pinning me down because of the emotional burden I felt weighing upon it.
“Whether I sink, Whether I swim. It makes no difference when, I’m beautifully in over my head.” -Jenn Johnson: In Over My Head
These are the lyrics to my favorite verse in what I have deemed my song of the semester. This is my favorite verse because it truly exemplifies the beauty of perspective.
Without passing judgment, I find that many people can get focused on the beauty and splendor in experiencing mind-transcending events with Jesus, that it becomes a mere metacognitive state as opposed to a live and active form of living. In essence, people like that Peter walked on water but don’t really process fully that he sank in it also. I love hearing when preachers say that with Gods favor we will find ourselves walking on things that other people sink in, and I love it because it’s true, but Peter both walked and sank. It only took a split second distraction to tear his eyes away from Jesus before he plummeted beneath what was supporting him a split second earlier.
That is beautiful because that is life. Our eyes are never stayed on Jesus completely; sometimes we miss the mark, and sometimes we break to long during the race, but we’re running. Sinking is evidence that I tried something over my head, beyond what I could do on my own. It is evidence that I wasn’t content with where I was and so I went beyond my limits to where Jesus was because there is beauty in being overwhelmed trying to get to the hem and heart of Jesus.
So at the end of the day, I don’t step out on faith believing that I will always succeed.
I step out on faith believing that only then will I live… completely, imperfectly, beautifully.
“Further and further my heart moves away from the shore. Whatever it looks like, whatever may come I am yours.”