Denying Denial

One thing my therapists all know is that I rarely ever acknowledge being mentally ill. Me and denial are best friends when it comes to this facet of my life. Whenever I hear or read about how hard it is to live with depression or other mood disorders I further reaffirm my belief that I am not mentally ill because it hasn’t been hard. The facts of this past year and a half are evidence that my productivity and level of functioning have significantly decreased. However, I just tell myself it’s not because I am ill but because I am just excessively lazy and spoiled. I mean after all, I managed to finish my Cornell degree, and if I were mentally ill I should not have been able to do that right. Never mind the countless accommodations made on my behalf by my professors, and the tri-weekly counseling sessions just to get me to the finish line. I just tell myself that I was just making up excuses and was allowing the burden of my workload (all 3 classes<- sarcasm) to make me lazy and a victim of senioritis.

Thursday I officially finished my Cornell career. I literally have nothing stressful to do but hang out with friends and enjoy my last moments before graduation. But when I wake up I still can’t get out of bed. I still feel the painful emptiness in my core, painful because it feels like a hallowing of my stomach. All I feel able to do is squeeze my knees to my chest in hopes that the tighter I squeeze I’ll be able to touch something inside of me and feel that I am not empty. I wake up in the middle of the night in shallow breaths, with the same feeling you get on a roller coaster drop, over and over and over again, that all I can do is cry.

So what’s my excuse now? I’m still too lazy to face my stressful week of eating and having fun? I still can’t be mentally ill though because once my friends get me out of the bed and I’m hanging out with them distracted, then I am fine and as normal and healthy looking as can be. Never mind that as soon as I’m alone i feel myself slipping into a pit inside of myself. I’m ok though.

I’m fine, i’m ok, i’m just being dramatic.

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