Denying Denial

One thing my therapists all know is that I rarely ever acknowledge being mentally ill. Me and denial are best friends when it comes to this facet of my life. Whenever I hear or read about how hard it is to live with depression or other mood disorders I further reaffirm my belief that I am not mentally ill because it hasn’t been hard. The facts of this past year and a half are evidence that my productivity and level of functioning have significantly decreased. However, I just tell myself it’s not because I am ill but because I am just excessively lazy and spoiled. I mean after all, I managed to finish my Cornell degree, and if I were mentally ill I should not have been able to do that right. Never mind the countless accommodations made on my behalf by my professors, and the tri-weekly counseling sessions just to get me to the finish line. I just tell myself that I was just making up excuses and was allowing the burden of my workload (all 3 classes<- sarcasm) to make me lazy and a victim of senioritis.

Thursday I officially finished my Cornell career. I literally have nothing stressful to do but hang out with friends and enjoy my last moments before graduation. But when I wake up I still can’t get out of bed. I still feel the painful emptiness in my core, painful because it feels like a hallowing of my stomach. All I feel able to do is squeeze my knees to my chest in hopes that the tighter I squeeze I’ll be able to touch something inside of me and feel that I am not empty. I wake up in the middle of the night in shallow breaths, with the same feeling you get on a roller coaster drop, over and over and over again, that all I can do is cry.

So what’s my excuse now? I’m still too lazy to face my stressful week of eating and having fun? I still can’t be mentally ill though because once my friends get me out of the bed and I’m hanging out with them distracted, then I am fine and as normal and healthy looking as can be. Never mind that as soon as I’m alone i feel myself slipping into a pit inside of myself. I’m ok though.

I’m fine, i’m ok, i’m just being dramatic.

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3 thoughts on “Denying Denial

    1. Thank you so much Tarah! And that is exactly what I’m trying to put my energy towards, God filling me, so I am grateful for your prayers. Love you too! Also, I’m very proud of following your dreams and heart to DC and working hard to make that happen. Keep moving up, you got this!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thank you so so much, Lauraly!!! Love you, boo. You’re stronger than you believe! The Enemy knows that, too, which is why he comes for you so hard. Rely on Christ completely ❤

        Liked by 1 person

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