I have the greatest friends and one of the parts of me or this stupid disorder that I hate is when I withdraw from those closest to me and begin believing that I am all alone.
It’s senior week, and my friends convinced me to stay to celebrate our last days together. Since I expected to be home this week, I scheduled no therapy this week. This morning I woke up so wrong and in tears after realizing that it was only Tuesday. I felt so drained, and weak and attempted to be proud of myself for fighting with myself to stay above water, only to realize I’ve only been fighting for one day. That one day took so much out of me and the thought of having to live for so many more days to come started plunging me deeper. Usually my medication balances things out for me but not today, by 4 o clock I found myself in my bed weak.
There is a senior highlighter rave tonight and my friends didn’t realize anything was up with me today till I said I couldn’t go. I had nothing inside of me and I knew that going would mean an inevitable breakdown because that’s what happens when I get maxed out.
After sitting me up and insisting I come because they no longer felt comfortable leaving me alone, I told them I hope they were able to handle me when I breakdown in public. And they looked at each other and started laughing and said they could handle it, not only because they’ve done it plenty of times before but added that if anyone asked they would just say the vodka is getting to me and I’m graduating and so i’m emotional to be leaving and to be unemployed, and at that they added shoot we will break down with you too because we all unemployed, to which I laughed and started getting dressed.
For tonight I came from a 10 to 30 with the help of my friends and I want to think about how am I supposed to keep trudging through what seems like a very hopeless road to recovery, but I won’t….not tonight.