I graduated Cornell University yesterday. I have been pushing and holding on to make it to that day and it finally came and passed.
I miss my therapist, S, like there is no tomorrow. She helped me hold on to hope and it just felt good knowing that someone understood me and continued to care for me all the more.
Last night I awoke in the middle of the night by one of my usual anxiety attacks. Chest pains, shallow breathing, and just the overall feeling that you want to run away from yourself but you can’t.
As I cried myself back to sleep, I had a weird dream that started out with one of my friends approaching me to give me a massage as she usually does. However, as she got closer she didn’t approach the massage in her usual comical manner. Then I saw myself in present time, on my top bunk, falling asleep and it was as if I heard God said relax. Then suddenly I felt a pressing yet comforting weight on my back as if I were being hugged. As the hug got tighter my anxiety began to subside and I drifted off into sleep, comforted.
S recommended a while ago that I invest in a weighted blanket to aid during those nights that my anxiety is overwhelming. With graduation gone, I fear that like this morning, my subsequent mornings will be spent convincing myself to fight the nothingness inside of me to live with nothing to look forward to living for.
But thank you God for being my motivator in the day, and my weighted blanket at night.
This song is not a Spiritual song, but it’s been putting a smile on my face when I think of God as my cheerleader.