I felt an overwhelming need to blog today.
I have been so scared lately. I don’t realize the pain of living with mental illnesses until I actually want to try and pick my life back up. All that keeps playing through my mind are memories of who I use to be; hard-worker, star student, ambitious, spiritual, and alive. Every day I wake up and tell myself that “I’m not sick anymore, let’s do it!” But then, the cavity in my chest just starts opening as if to tell me that if I try to get up, it will swallow me and I will cease to exist.
Lately, my baby steps have been so small that I don’t even want to take them. I don’t feel like it’s worth it. I want to leap not crawl, and everyday that I can’t leap I tell myself that I’ll lay in bed until I feel my legs ready to spring. I know it’s destructive and I know it makes no sense, but thats all I know how to be and sometimes I feel like i’d rather die than live a lesser version of myself.
Life is waiting for me and I don’t want to waste time learning how to walk again, when I don’t even know why I am crippled to begin with….