I am feeling so many things all at once, so I could sit here and stare at this computer all I want but I will never be able to make them make sense or connect them to each other.
My person of attachment (poa) left me. I think all the thoughts and all the feelings are all the different paths that my brain is trying to take to help me process it, but it can’t really settle on a way.
When I wake up in the morning it feels like I can’t breathe. Inside hurts so much and I try to breathe but all I encounter are lumps in my throat and I start to wail. Every bit of pain I feel pours out of me then eventually it all goes numb and I start to think about what am I going to do and how am I going to move forward. But I get nothing. I feel nothing. I don’t know the way. Hence where all the different feelings come from and this continues on until it gets late and I take something to put me to sleep. Then I wake up and the cycle repeats itself.
I would be fine with the cycle. I would be fine trying to find God in the midst of all the pain if it weren’t for my family. The last time I was hospitalized it was so horrible. It was so so horrible mentally. God warned me that when faced with great pain if I try to fight his way I will end up in the hospital. And so here I am in so much pain and so like I said I cry a lot. But I don’t fight God by cutting or doing anything destructive to try and get my way because I don’t want to go to the hospital. But my mother and my sister threaten me everyday to send me to the hospital if I don’t stop crying. Then they start all the invalidation that I know so well, and in the midst of my crying my heart starts beating so fast every time I hear sirens which is like twice an hour in my neighborhood.
It just hurts me so much more because my heart is so broken and so raw and like deja vu I find myself having to decide to shut my family out again. Shut everything and everyone out because my heart can’t handle anymore mistakes. I know all the people I have attached myself to had good intentions just like my family but my heart simply can’t take anymore mistakes. After my dad died I shut my family out and went on a 12 year stint of looking for replacements to be my new family, my new mom and sisters.
The anniversary of my fathers death will be August 18th and I’m not going on year 13 making the same mistakes. The woman with the issue of the blood in the bible bled for 12 years before being made whole. For 12 years I searched for healing with other people and now no more.
So I just want to be left alone in my cycle with God. I want to wrestle with God because I blame Him and I feel like He betrayed me. I am a storm raging and I want to rage with God. I just want to be with God because even if I hate Him so much, I just want to rest in His bosom because I trust Him with my heart and He won’t ever make a mistake with it.
Once I heard a preacher refer to God as a reckless romantic. I thought the phrase to be so beautiful. Friends often call me a helpless romantic so I thought aww how cute for God to be a reckless romantic.
But now I see that God will reck anything and everything standing in between my heart and His. But unlike, our definition of reckless, God isn’t thoughtless, or rash, or careless. He strategically and in His own loving way creates the perfect storm, and I just want to rage in His storm.