This song holds a special place in my heart and when you get the chance just listen to it with an open heart (and with headphones for the best effect :).
I may have stated that I was diagnosed with sever major depressive disorder but I have never said that I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder (BPD) because I am so deeply ashamed of it.
Many of those who follow me know the criteria for the disorder and know that no one person looks the same just because we carry the same label. My disorder is a manifestation of an abandonment fear so great that it leads to the establishment of relationships, which because of my insecurity of being left, I create my own self-fulfilling prophecy. The disorder itself it characterized by unstable interpersonal relationships so you see the link.
I had the pleasure of attending a concert less than a month ago where Travis Greene, the author of this song attended. It was a two day affair and I remember not wanting to go but asking God to speak to me if I go. The first day I didn’t hear a message specifically for me but I learned how to worship God in spite of my feelings. This made me determined to attend the next day for God. I was numb to my feelings, emotionally empty, but worship is not about emotions, but sacrifice and I just poured all that I had to God whether He gave me what I wanted or not.
Now Travis Greene was the last to perform at about 11:30pm on the last day of this two day revival. I remember just continuously giving God my all and while he was singing he begins to share his testimony.
He shares how after his father died when he was a young boy he spent years looking for replacement fathers. Attaching to any male who showed him the slightest attention. Always seeking for someone to offer him the validation that he lost out on at an early age, and always being left empty as a result. Then finally with time he learned to lean on God for that validation and support.
God is my parent and because of who He is, He is intentional about everything that He does. I may have a diagnosable illness but that is no excuse to be incorrigible. And because God chastises those He loves, He is chastising me. Because even if my attachment figure had no intention of hurting me, God knew it would hurt anyways, and that it would hurt bad. And every time I sob and kick and scream begging for mercy, for death, for the pain to end, He reminds me of what I did to her and that I deserve it.
When the pain gets too great and it threatens to carry me under, God reminds me to listen to this song. That i’m not hurting because He doesn’t care, but because He cares i’m hurting. Because He cares He wants to save me from myself. There are consequences to our actions, and it’s best He teach me them now in this way, then me face dire consequences to His purpose for me in the future.
For those who read this far and who have BPD and who may not know God and are rolling their eyes, that’s ok. But this is not easy for me to say, and I am not saying it because it’s the christian thing to say. Most of the people who have hurt me or left me are professed believers, and active walkers in their faith, so I know what it is like to be fearful of the church, heck I still am, and I am still very anxious and scared of associating myself with the religion of Christianity.
But despite that I know God, and even when I want to take revenge out on Him for those who I feel harmed me, I don’t. I suffer just as much with this disease as the next person. I know addiction, I know pain, I know loss, I know mood swings, I know rage, I know hurt, I know medication, I know self-harm, I know suicide, I know hospitalization, I know trauma, I know rejection, I know invalidation, I know stigma, I know loneliness and I know the intensity that comes with all of these emotions.
But I know God, and I know I am never truly a victim. When we were young and helpless and dependent, we were victims to the circumstances life threw at us. But now don’t let that hurt child continuously turn you into a victim. My therapist is out until the end of the month and my attachment figure is gone, and so my only support right now is God. We learn all of these methods of coping and handling the moment and making it to the next day, but I challenge you to just instead really face the circumstances of your present life, and the role you played in them, and don’t excuse yourself but grieve them. Don’t blame anyone else, face the ugly that is within us, until you truly forgive yourself. It’s not a one time thing especially when our emotions fluctuate so darn much.
Still, don’t excuse or absolve yourself for the ugly you have in your present life. Face it and know that God cares and your hurt is His but there are consequences, and maybe in the future you will be able to recover what you lost, but now just focus on growing the part of you that stopped, so that when doors or relationships open for you, you will be able to value, appreciate, and recognize them, instead of always living to do damage control. It’s not easy, far from it, but it will be worth it. I literally have to remind myself of this everyday, and it hurts so much that I still lay in bed and cry, moving only when necessary. And I know the internal conflict of desiring recovery but fearing it at the same time, just don’t give up, and move forward, even if you have to millipede (even smaller than inch) for a while.