I am afraid of process.
I feel like I am in a weird place where I am in a process with God and I have no concrete cognizance of which direction I am moving in.
I am so thankful to God for the ability to slow down. That I can afford to slow down because I do not have to worry about bills, children, school, or other stressors that would prevent me from doing so. It is a privilege that others do not have and I am thankful.
Earlier this week I made the decision to cancel my registration for my MCAT (Medical College Admissions Test). This was not a light decision because admitting I can’t when it comes to my schooling translates to me feeling worthless, like a failure.
But I can’t. There is a constant ache inside of me that no matter how I toss and turn it doesn’t let up. I find no pleasure in anything that gave me comfort down to my beloved Harry Potter books. It’s just an ache that I want to do anything to get rid of but realize nothing in my own power can take it away.
So I ride it out with God. I wake up around 5:15 afraid for the sun to come up, because I’m afraid of starting a new day realizing I am no closer to healing then I was the day before. I spend most of the day in bed, occasionally rising to do some activity with my nieces whose tutoring I had to stop because there is just nothing in me to give that level of attention. Around 6pm I begin to get hopeful because there is only 2 more hours left in the day for me and my nieces get picked up leaving me the freedom to totally immerse myself in my room. At 8 finally I praise God and be kind to myself that I made it another day, take off my glasses and go to sleep.
I get so tempted to beat myself up and verbally as well as physically abuse myself for my current state. But truth is, it really does hurt to breathe. Making it through the day without doing anything destructive or taking out my issues on someone else really does make me proud. I don’t want to admit that to myself, that breathing is all I’m capable of, but honestly it’s been the most loving thing I have done for myself in a while.
I know God is leading because He’s the only reason why I am able to remain calm and just breathe. I am so confused as to what is going on. Yes my attachment figure left, and the constant ache and pain I am learning to see is the turmoil of a child inside of me that feels like her mother abandoned her. But I, as the adult am able to understand and not let that child control me. I, as the adult though also hurt by the loss, recognizes that my child needs me to lead, and to parent her, and not let my hurt neglect her. Because I, as the adult know this extends deeper than this current loss, but to all the ones that came before it.
So I do my best to ride the wave with God and lead my child as God leads me.