I have been wanting to write in one form or another, whether that be journaling or blogging for some time now. However, I just don’t see the point anymore.
I have known emptiness before but whenever I felt myself drowning under the weight of the emptiness I would seek out my attachment figure and that would sort of fill me temporarily till the next wave and the cycle would repeat.
With her gone I have been chronically empty. Nothing has meaning or purpose to me, I have no passion and I just drag myself through the days living for distraction after distraction
I have not read my bible for maybe 2-3 weeks now, and I barely talk to God. For me it’s because I feel like I am a constant disappointment to Him. I simply really do not understand or know the course I am supposed to be taking. I have been tolerating my emptiness fairly well in terms of not doing anything destructive and eating when I know i’m supposed to, though i never feel hungry, and pushing myself to attend to the responsibilities I have. I feel like that is all I can do because when I attempt to push myself past that I begin to cry because my chest begins to ache because pushing past that causes my emptiness to mingle with loneliness and I don’t feel like I can handle the weight of both of them combined.
For me I feel like this is enough for me right now. But I am afraid that God wants me to be more actively pursuing Him, when honestly pursuing Him just causes me so much distress because of all of the confusion that results.
And I want to live for God. I want to please Him and be His. But I don’t want to feel the pressure of not being or doing enough every time I am with Him, so I avoid Him.
I have accepted the emptiness as home and I just want to relax alone in this new home for a while.