Love is Whole and Wholly given

The ache in my chest woke me up…again. When this happens I start crying because I start thinking about if only I were loved then the ache would go away.
I’m thankful for the ache this morning.
Knees to chest, rocking, trying to make the ache smaller, so that I can breathe better. I learn i’m not looking for love, i’m looking for need. Love gives, attachment needs and takes. 
Love is whole and wholly given.
The ache needs someone or something to fill it because it feels like it’s going to swallow me. 
God is whole and wholly given.
The ache is an emotional baby, and babies are only capable of loving through attachment. The only time it’s acceptable to love and need. 
God is my Dad, and i’m His baby.
The rocking has slowed and my eyes are getting droopy. The ache is subsiding and my dark thoughts are getting lighter. God gave all of Him so that I could have to give.
Because Love is whole and wholly given. 


Frown Turned Upside Down

DISCLAIMER: I needed to talk and this post starts off a bit sad because thats what I needed to talk about, and didn’t want anyone to read on just in case you didn’t want to go through the sad on this holiday, but as I continued writing my mood did turn around and ended up being hopeful!

I know that today is Thanksgiving and that I am supposed to be celebrating but that’s not my truth.

I am grateful for a lot and i thank God every chance I get at the realization of how blessed of a person I am.

But this morning as I pray for strength to make it through another day again I can’t help but break down at the thought of my reality.

It’s been over a year since I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder, and since then I have improved at maintaining a stable existence despite my symptoms. But today I realized that I want to be more than stable, I want to be joyous.

I made an apple pie yesterday for the first time and I was so proud and so happy and so excited for my family to taste it today. And yet, at night I found myself crying myself to sleep again. But thats been usual for me. I cry when I wake up and when I go to sleep because those are the moments I sit down with God and pray and vent out the pain in my heart, this way I still give it it’s time, and I don’t allow it to take over my whole day and prevent me from functioning.

But this morning when I woke up with the same physical pain in my chest from anxiety and depression I just started begging God why. And I know i’m not supposed to do that because thats how pain turns into suffering. Pain isn’t an option, suffering is. But I just wanted to wake up and start making my Pumpkin cream-cheese pie. I wanted to be happy today. But I woke up with the same lack of desire to live and physical ache in my chest, and self mutilitation urges and I’m tired. This month will make it 5 months since my last menstrual period because my body is just under constant stress, my hair is falling out, and i’m just always so fatigued.

I never understood how depression could be debilitating, because I experienced the debilitating effects of major depressive episodes (theres a distinction between major depressive episodes, and major depressive disorder. Episodes are what people usually think of when you hear depression, and they last about 2 weeks. Major Depressive Disorder is categorized by having had 2 or more episodes with at least 2 months symptom free in between.) But though depression may feel more manageable than an episode, overtime the constant prolonged sadness weighs on you. Then throw in the persistent emptiness of BPD, and mood swings from rage to elatedness, to despair in the course of an hour, then the feeling of dissociation when you’re alone and not practicing mindfulness, and today is the day where I woke up and started suffering because I just wanted to make pumpkin cream-cheese pie for my family not balance emotions and suicidal thoughts.

However, after writing this post I am able to again choose to just feel pain and not suffer. I needed to talk but didn’t want to call my friends because it’s Thanksgiving and I don’t want to have this convo with them, though they hate it when I don’t call them when I need to, but the same way they love me and want to protect me, I love them and want to bring more joy into their lives than I do worry over my health, and because they love me they will worry.

I’m done questioning God today. He gives me enough strength to make it through each day and (and my neice just walked in at the end of the water works 🙂 Thank God! I love his timing!!) I will continue to seek Him daily, because though my lot gets heavy at times, He always steps in and helps me carry it, and that’s why I’m still here. Everyone has their lot and I am so very thankful that He desires to stay near me in mines and works to get me to learn what it feels like to be loved by Him when I’m too damaged to understand.

Seeing God in Chips

I love CHIPS! I never really had a sweet tooth so I overcompensated with a “salty tooth?” Yea, lets go with that. Anyone who knows me knows my room is never without chips. 

This picture was taken in the month after my attachment figure left. The month of her departure, when I did eat, all I ate were chips. 

For quite sometime after I took this picture, I would look at it with regret. I wished I placed the whole “heart chip” on top and the empty one on the bottom. I wanted it to be in that order because I wanted it to represent what I felt my a.f. did to my heart, how she came and broke it. 

I forgot about this picture until just now as I was looking through my pictures and came across it. I remembered my initial regret and smiled because the picture was perfect. 

My a.f. caused me a great deal of pain. Pain I fear ever experiencing again. However, that hole in the center of my heart was there before she came into the picture. My heart has been learning to heal, not with the help of human hands, but with the hand of God. The order of the picture is perfect. My heart has been broken, now God will fill it. I believe that even when I don’t feel His presence, I know that sometimes the only reason I am up is because God gave me the strength. He sticks his firm, yet gentle fist right in the center of my crumbling heart and lifts me up. 

Only He can complete the center of my chip, the center of my heart.