I debated about whether I wanted to share my journal entry today. There is a therapeutic release in journaling, which is why I journal so often. However, when it comes to my blog, I have to think about why would I want to share this in a public space. Immediately, I began to feel that when I blog I am taking ownership of myself, and in a way forced to become more conscious of myself by way of knowing that I am in a sense exposed to the people who will stumble across my post. This provides it’s own growth value because I can look back and see a more orderly representation of my growth and this reminds me why I titled my blog “Evolving Perceptions.”
Today during church the Pastor ended by saying this year it won’t be so much about rebuking the devil, as it will be about using wisdom to discern his schemes, because last year it was not about a question of willpower but a question of focus.
As I analyze the past relationship with my most recent attachment figure, I ask myself why was it so hard for me to see her as human. Why did I feel like I either needed to demonize or idolize her in order for me to better understand myself.
I can now see that it was an interplay between both my thought process and her somewhat grandiose personality.
The logic for me flows like this:
God gives me gift of person-> Person begins withdrawing from me-> SInce person was sent by God, all of their actions in my life must be orchestrated by God-> God is withdrawing person from me-> I did something wrong to lose gift -> Work harder to find what you are doing wrong and fix it so God brings person back
She unknowingly reinforced my thought process every time she said, “God is making me leave.” “God says we are purposeless” “God is ending the season” “God says us being apart is better for both me and you.” Most things she did in my life, if not all really, she backed up by saying she prayed over it and it was God influenced.
So I lost focus. I made her heart synonymous with Gods heart. I made her synonymous with God. Everything she did or did not do became a reflection of what God did or did not do. It made me feel I was in this losing battle against God. Therefore, when she tried to leave, God was leaving me.
But now as I gain more wisdom and insight and I look back over last year, what was more reflective of the truth is that, she wanted to help me love myself, but she realized that the way I needed her to be was something she could never be. And because she can be quite extra at times, she also believed that she felt responsible, as a vessel of Christ, to make things work. But that level of responsibility over an adult, coupled with the trials of her life became too much, and in an effort to rebalance herself she had to give up on me because I was too much. In the latter part of our relationship it wasn’t about me, it was about her, everything she did was for her, even if she doesn’t want to acknowledge that she needed to understandably be selfish, I am at a place where I can acknowledge that with understanding and acceptance. It wasn’t God doing this that and the third, it was her making a human decision to preserve herself.
I lost this focus in the relationship and turned her into a God because I needed to feel loved by God. It’s never about discerning if she was God led or devil led, but discerning whether in all things am I moving in a God led or devil led direction. It’s about me not her.
Sometimes all of this begs the questions for me if she ever actually loved me, or if I was just a misguided assignment. My therapist tries to say that it is impossible for her to have been as invested as she was in me and not to have loved me. I think for now, for my peace, I just answer my question with it doesn’t matter now.
However, with this new wisdom, I am able to look back through saved texts that I simply moved out of sight (she invested a lot of time in writing them that I didn’t want to delete them) and I find new compassion when reading them. I see true sincerity from the heart of a human that I was never able to fully see before as I tried interpreting her words through a God lens. I see GREAT care that sometimes when reading them I want to berate myself for being unable to see them before. Even as I read the texts where she began acknowledging that she was overwhelmed, I want to cry because I see her tiredness that could only stem from someone who cares and that truly feels like they are doing the best they can and still I get no better. I remember when I first read them, I read them with so much anger and hurt, because I felt like it was too late for her to claim being overwhelmed when she promised she would never give up, I wanted more and more. Now I see that for the circumstances of how we were in each others life and the fact that she had no relation to me she gave me a lot, and she tried.