Seeing Leah in Me: Part 2

The more I study the story of Leah, the more I realize that this is going to turn into a series. God is revealing so much to me, and my heart has been feeling so full spending time in my bible. I haven’t felt anything inside of me for a while now. But when I’m reading and studying the story I feel a mixture of ache and hope for a future that was often eclipsed by my depression.

If you have not read Part 1: you can do so here, as that sets the stage for this next post.

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As I have been reading, though this journey originally started with how I am coming to see myself in Leah, I believe that an even more accurate representation of myself is painted by separating the child inside of me and my adult self. While reading about Leah, the similarities between Rachel and I became too much to ignore.

I will try my best to include all relevant information but for a better understanding I suggest reading Genesis 29-30.

Background:
When Jacob arrived in the Land of his Uncle Laban, he fell in love with Rachel, Laban’s daughter, at first sight. Totally enamored, he agreed to work for Laban a total of 7 years in exchange for Rachel’s hand in marriage. At the end of the 7 years, Laban tricked Jacob by disguising his elder daughter Leah, and bringing her into the wedding chamber that night.

SSUP23Top Jacob who was probably drunk and excited from the wedding festivities did not realize He christened a marriage with Leah and not Rachel until the morning. Jacob was furious, but Laban explained that it is not their custom to marry the younger daughter before the elder daughter. Jacob agreed to marrying Rachel the following week, in exchange for another 7 years working for Laban.

Rachel is described as the younger more attractive sister, in contrast with Leah, who is described as having weak eyes. The bible doesn’t say how Leah must have felt watching her younger sister be chosen over her, but for Laban to resort to deceit to marry off Leah, makes me feel like Leah must not have suitors that were interested in her. What the bible does make clear though is that Jacob loved Rachel way more than he loved Leah, and that both Leah and God felt the pain of this rejection. I will dig into this more later but for now suffice it to know that God comforted Leah by blessing her with children compared to Rachel’s Barrenness.

Seeing Rachel in the Child in me:
14 years. That’s how much of Jacob’s time it took securing Rachel as his wife. Despite Jacob expressing his love for Rachel in both word and deed here is what the bible has to say.

When Rachel saw that she was not having children for Jacob, she became jealous of her sister. She pleaded with Jacob, “Give me children, or i’ll die!” Then Jacob became furious with Rachel. “Am i God?” he asked. “He’s the one who has kept you from having children!” Genesis 30:1-2

I am ashamed to say that I exhibited the same intense jealousy towards my attachment figure and even sometimes my own siblings concerning my own mother’s affections. The thing with jealousy is that it clouds the reality of things. Whenever my attachment figure would express affection towards her Pastor (aka Spiritual Mom), or I would feel they had something that me and her didn’t, my emotions would go through the roof. One time it also led me to almost seriously harming myself. Like Rachel I could not see the expressed love that my attachment figure had for me, and I instead drove her away with my need and jealousy. But Jacob stayed and loved Rachel, continuously, she never did anything that lessened his devotion to her.

Once, Leah’s son, maybe about 4 years old at the time brought his mother some
mandrakes. Rachel asked her for the mandrakes, and said “I will let you sleep with Jacob tonight if you give me some of the mandrakes.” Imagine! She knew the power and authority she had over her husband, that she could even dictate when he does or doesn’t sleep with his first wife, her own sister, Leah, then use that to her advantage.

Unfortunately, though Jacob loved Rachel endlessly and unwavering, Rachel died before allowing herself to experience Bible-verses-to-overcome-Jealousyand walk in that love, purely, and wholeheartedly. When God finally granted her request for children, after the first child, she petitioned God again for another son. While giving birth to the second son, she died, and in her last breath named that son Benoni (son of my sorrow). How sad, she had everything and yet died trying to attain what she already had because jealousy made her insecure. She realized too late that her quest for children only brought her sorrow.

I have brought on myself increasing amounts of pain seeking the perfect mother and the perfect friend. In the process I have lost people who mean a great deal to me. I have tried adamantly to gain them back because I felt like I was missing what they offered me. But i’m not.

I have the most amazing mom and group of friends. Show me someone with better friends than me and I will probably not believe you. All five of my closest friends are so unique, and so caring, funny, ambitious, strong/perseverant, that when I allow myself to think on the beauty that is all of them, I am overwhelmed. I think about the patience that they all exhibited towards me in the throes of my illness. When I would get hospitalized, without a doubt I could phone one to bring me clothes. When I was hurting they all were there in the best way they knew how from studying for exams by my hospital bed, to massaging me and providing laughter. When I allowed my reactions to my attachment figure to cause me to withdraw from them, they never held it against me because they understood. But now I know better and understand better and don’t desire to portray that level of selfishness again.

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For when I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a (Wo)man, I put away childish things. 1 Corinthians 13:11

By the Grace of God I did not die in my sorrow, and I have the opportunity to grow in giving love and experiencing love. I want to maximize on that opportunity.

Seeing Leah in Me: Part 1

**This is a transparent post, and like always I want to share because it is another way in which I recognize an evolution of sorts. I will divide it into two parts.**

Show me someone with BPD that does not have deep identity disturbances and emptiness. The concept of who I am is not even something I am able to ponder on for too long because feeling connected with myself is such a fleeting phenomenon.

Yesterday while on a prayer call, the preacher spoke about finding someone in the bible that resonates with us and learn from their life and walk with God. This resonated with me because this same week at Church a Pastor spoke on how we can’t even believe in the promises or directions of God because we really don’t know who we are in Him.

I thought about who resonates with me the most in the bible, and no one was coming up. The only person I thought of was Elijah because of his depression, but still his story and his life is not one that I relate too on a deeper level. So I gave up the search and resumed feeling very overwhelmed and just despondent towards life. That’s how I’ve been existing, just floating through. I don’t talk with friends as much, getting up is harder, smiling is difficult. I’m pretty sure if someone saw me on the train i’d look like a shell of a person, because that is how I feel.

Yet, in the midst of this I somehow “had a revelation” that I am sooo healed from my attachment figure and I can refollow her blog and her instagram. tumblr_lmg5pvNu5l1qzcy5co1_500While talking to a friend, I casually mentioned that I had done that, not really expecting a reaction because I assumed she would feel the same as me. And immediately she was like why would you do that. And I’m like “idk” and proceeded to move on with the conversation we were having. Then she rewinded it and said we can’t move on because I should not have done that.    images-11

 

*insert her long speech on how at this moment in time where so many things are at stake with classes and medical school, I can’t afford another breakdown, and all it would take is one “wrong” picture and I would crack, blah blah, blah.*

Our conversation was a lot more emotional and it ended with me somberly realizing that I did it because I just wanted to be close to her. I feel soo alone and I just wanted to feel close to her again even if just in my mind. My friend sympathized and we agreed that I could keep the blog but ex the instagram, because it was a risky chance.

*insert my stupidity*

 

I’m on my wordpress and she has a new blog up, yay! I read and enjoy and then decide, maybe she also has a new picture up on instagram (it’s public). Excited with the opportunity to see a fresh picture of her, I go on and I see a new box loading and I start smiling, eager to see what awaits, and am instead greeted with text. Now the alarm went off in my head not to read, but who listens to the alarms right….

In the text I was greeted with the news that she would be starting a show with her spiritual mother about their relationship as a parallel relationship to one of THE most praised spiritual mother and daughter relationship, Naomi and Ruth. For those who don’t know the story, a brief synopsis is Ruth loved her mother in law sooo much that even when their husbands died, Ruth sacrificed her hometown and life to follow and be apart of Naomi’s.

Without warning the floodgates behind my eyes burst open and I was on the phone with a friend confessing my actions and seeking guidance on my next series of actions because the self-defeating and self-damaging thoughts in my head were not healthy. It felt like “Rejection, Abandonment, Un-loved” became anvils that just fell upon my chest and heart.

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I was always jealous of their relationship, I mean after all, I did only spend the last two years hoping that she would see me as her daughter, and that she would want me.

My friend, though she was shocked at my stupidity at first with a “wait, what, why would you do that!” then helped me see that I have been feeling very overwhelmed and stressed and when that happens I use to turn to her, so though it caught her off guard, it makes sense why I would turn to my attachment figure in the only way I knew how.

After googling how to cope with feeling rejected, and un-loved, I came across this quote:

“Sometimes, you choose the one that doesn’t want to be chosen – the one that can’t (or won’t) choose you back.”

cant choose back

From this I was led to the story of Leah in the bible. Part two will pick up there….

To Be Continued….

Ashamed of my Inner Child

In therapy we are working on getting to know the child inside of me. 

This is a good sign because for the past 7 months with this therapist alone, we have solely been talking about my attachment figure.

After my attachment figure gave me the apology i’ve been hoping for, about her role in facilitating an attachment she wasn’t ready for, there has been a sense of closure that i’m grateful for. The closure however was for my adult self. It has helped me understand, and push forward even when I don’t feel like it. It helps me discipline myself when I feel urges to reach out to her or obsess over her because I not only know better now, but I also understand better.

Lately though as evident by my last post, the child part of me has been making things hard. Every morning, her sadness and confusion weighs me down, and what started out as only mornings is progressing throughout the day, and now even into the night. 

She only knows how to want one person to care for her and love her unconditionally. She is dependent on people to help her figure out what to do or what to live for. And as I, the adult, say no to her seeking that from our past attachment figure, she no longer rebels, but is just very sad. 

I am suppose to be the one caring for her and making her feel safe. This morning I tried to comfort her but I realize I couldn’t be sincere.

I am ashamed of her and I really resent her. I hate that she is so needy, I hate that she is so helpless. I feel like I don’t care what age she is, she needs to pull herself up and be strong, independent and powerful. When I comfort her, I feel all of this emotion inside that sums up in disgust. 

This shows me that I don’t think she’s worth loving unless someone else feels that she is worth loving. She doesn’t have any support in me. She is actually alone and unloved by the one person that matters, me. She deserves to feel depressed because of that, too bad her depression lives inside of me.

I Don’t Want to do This Anymore

I don’t want to do this anymore…..
I don’t want to look at pictures of myself and hate what I see because I feel i’m just not good enough for you to stay with me.
I don’t want to see you moving on and feel so low because I wasn’t valuable enough to be kept on the ride.
I don’t want to feel pain when I see you with your friends and family because I was just a temporary mistake that you mistakenly called sister, friend, daughter.
I don’t want to open my bible pretending that the words I read touch even the rim of the unwontedness and valuelessness that I feel.
I don’t want to search and find a power inside of me that will allow me to reject the rejector.
I don’t want to do any of those things because I want you.
I want to continue being excited to share with you important, silly, or even mundane news without the wake up call that, wait, we are no more.
I want to talk about the things I am proud of you for without feeling achy that it doesn’t matter.
I want to love you in a relationship with you, not love you by respecting your desire to be distant from me. 
I don’t want to know that sorry just isn’t enough for you to try with me anymore. 
I don’t want to do this anymore….
I don’t want to push past knowing that truly, I just am not enough for you to try with me anymore. 
I guess, between the lines of it all, I am really just saying that I don’t want to be strong anymore.