In therapy we are working on getting to know the child inside of me.
This is a good sign because for the past 7 months with this therapist alone, we have solely been talking about my attachment figure.
After my attachment figure gave me the apology i’ve been hoping for, about her role in facilitating an attachment she wasn’t ready for, there has been a sense of closure that i’m grateful for. The closure however was for my adult self. It has helped me understand, and push forward even when I don’t feel like it. It helps me discipline myself when I feel urges to reach out to her or obsess over her because I not only know better now, but I also understand better.
Lately though as evident by my last post, the child part of me has been making things hard. Every morning, her sadness and confusion weighs me down, and what started out as only mornings is progressing throughout the day, and now even into the night.
She only knows how to want one person to care for her and love her unconditionally. She is dependent on people to help her figure out what to do or what to live for. And as I, the adult, say no to her seeking that from our past attachment figure, she no longer rebels, but is just very sad.
I am suppose to be the one caring for her and making her feel safe. This morning I tried to comfort her but I realize I couldn’t be sincere.
I am ashamed of her and I really resent her. I hate that she is so needy, I hate that she is so helpless. I feel like I don’t care what age she is, she needs to pull herself up and be strong, independent and powerful. When I comfort her, I feel all of this emotion inside that sums up in disgust.
This shows me that I don’t think she’s worth loving unless someone else feels that she is worth loving. She doesn’t have any support in me. She is actually alone and unloved by the one person that matters, me. She deserves to feel depressed because of that, too bad her depression lives inside of me.