It has been so long since I have blogged or journaled but I feel very compelled to write this post.
Yesterday while on the bus I recognized that I was doing something that I have probably been doing all of my life. When someone does something to me I always daydream about someone else that I care about defending me and making it clear how much I am worth and showing me and the person who wronged me that I am valuable.
In the midst of doing this yesterday I realized that in real life I then hold the defender of me to the expectations I have of them in my head. Which basically means that I begin to align my sense of worth with how that person treats me in real life. In my head they are the magnificent people that love me and think I am so special and worth loving. But in real life whenever I feel a slight deviation from that narrative because lets say they just said “good morning” instead of “good morning honey” my insides break. I begin to feel so dejected, like overnight they sensed a decrease in my value and by tomorrow I will be worthless to them.
What if I became my owb defender? I mean it’s funny because I an actually the one writing the scripts in my head. Instead of making someone else the star in my own life, what if I wrote the script with me as the one with power over me. I think I will see a big change in my life and in my emotional stability. But also in the quality of my relationships. I can get rid of the unfounded expectations and the internal secret dissappointments that eventually blow up and out of me leaving the people in my path so confused as to when they ever made me feel as demoted as I do.
I don’t know how to gain that level of agency for myself YET, but I will learn.