Usually I post my goal reflections on Sunday, but I had work yesterday so I am writing it now as I commute home from work.
1. Visit Artemis page only four times.
– I failed at this goal again except this time worst. I used my four looks by the end of the day Monday. Last week was a rough week and I just found myself feeling like I need her a lot more than usual. I think its because lil me is trying to fight me, and recognizes that I am very close to letting go of my unhealthy attachment and so its scared and holding on tighter. But lil me doesn’t have as much control over me nowadays. Since Thursday I have not been on her page at all and I blocked her to make it harder for me. Of course i can still get to it. But putting the block is like another mental restraint that I am adding and it has been helping.
2. I will be in control over my happiness.
– Honestly, I was not happy last week so its hard for me to think if I accomplished this goal or not.
There is a shift happening in me. I am getting MUCH better at sitting with the emptiness and disappointments I feel. For example, a part of my brain will tell me that I don’t mean anything to Artemis, and I will hear it and just sit with it. I’d think about how it may just be true, how I may mean very little to her, how i’m not special to her, and how far removed our lives actually are. I sit with it, if a tear falls it falls, but I don’t fight it. I don’t look for validation elsewhere. I breathe into it. Then I move on.
Another shift is with Jupiter. I wrote about this already, how I have been having such good reactions and healthy mental processes concerning her. Another thing I noted this past week was how I am able to turn down the drive to seek her out. For example, in the very beginning I texted her as a way to get closer to her. I read into every text, every length of time it took to get a response, if I did get a response. Now, I just sit with the reality that I am not priority to her. Heck I don’t even double text. And not out of a mindset that feels like its embarrassing to double text, or if i double text then i look obsessive. But I don’t double text simply because i tell myself I can wait. If she doesn’t respond then I just tell myself we’ll talk about it tomorrow, or I just let it go. And to the part of me that takes it personal and that feels less than, and worthless, I just breathe into those emotions as well and experience them without acting on them. THAT is GROWTH!
So yea, the emptiness is not pleasurable, the sadness is not welcome, the roller coaster of emotions on the inside is not favorable, but it’s me. Those are my struggles and I am proud of how I am bearing them.
No goals this week. I just want to continue to experience life.