I Thank God

I have been thinking a lot about how I want to approach all of the emotions that have been bubbling inside of me over the last couple of days. As I rode the bus this morning, I realized that I just want to thank God. 
I have been in a lot of emotional pain. It hurts so much all the time, and I will be honest in saying that it is pain that I am use too. However, I think sometimes I just want to be pain free and so desiring that, makes me more aware of my emotions and thus causes me more suffering. 

It has been hard for me to get up. So I get to work an hour early because I know I need time to mentally prepare myself and create a game plan on how I am going to get through the day. Jupiter, my co worker, is an immense trigger. Just by her existing, and by me having this hunger for someone to fill my void, and the little girl inside of me now having chose her, makes her a trigger. So because I am around her all the time, I am hyperaware of the hunger inside of me, and am extra vigilant about controlling myself. And we have an awesome friendship, and I will give myself credit that I am doing amazing. I love our friendship, and so am mindful that even if apart of me feels like it’s not enough, nothing will ever be enough for that part, and to always be aware of not allowing that part to be in control.

So I get to work an hour early, sometimes I cry, sometimes I find creative ways to get out my anger. And once I have my emotions at bay, I check myself. I check my desires, my mannerisms, my unspoken attitude and gestures, ensuring that I am in no way protruding a sense of discontentment or need towards her. I do not talk to her either for this hour because I know I am not yet in a place where the adult me is in full control and if I speak from a child place then I may not be able to reel it in. 
I do this everyday. 

But here is the thing….

I DO IT everyday. It is getting done. I am slowly but assuredly coming to the acceptance that this is me. I have an emotional disorder, I am intense, I feel either everything too much, or everything too little. I hyper-attach to people in very unhealthy and enmeshed ways. But I am living with me, and I am even beginning to like and one day love certain parts of me. 

So I thank God because He is allowing me to be able to do it. By Thursday I am so emotionally worn that I tell myself that I am going to put on a movie for my students because I do not have the energy or mental capacity to teach. But then I see my kids, and God and ONLY GOD restores me and touches my heart in a deep place. I walk in thinking I am going to put on a movie, and staring at their expectant faces, I teach, and I teach with all of me. I give them all of me from places I did not even know I had. To my advanced kids, I check in on them and stand back in amazement as I beam in pride knowing that it was together that we did that. Together we pushed their minds further and they are excelling. To my struggling kids, I stoop down and take deep breaths as I patiently, with a patience that surprises me, come up with different ways to possibly help them understand what they have been trying so hard to get. Never giving up, even when I joke and say I will. 

I thank God for my favorite students who give the best hugs I could ever ask for on some of my worst days. 

I thank God for Jupiter who so lovingly lets me be me. I thank God that Jupiter is not afraid of me, that she knows how to set good boundaries, and how to keep us safe without even knowing that she is doing so.

I thank God for my therapist who helps me decode all of these interactions, and helps me understand boundaries. How “normal” people pace their relationships, and how when I feel I hit a boundary, it is not meant for me to push, or feel rejected by, but to respect and love that I am loved enough to not be treated with caution gloves but to be believed in and treat me normally. 

And I thank God for the chance to know Artemis, to experience love from such a deep place. There was a time when loving her hurt. But loving her now makes me always aware of my capacity to love. I love her so deeply and I pray for her earnestly to thrive, and grow, and experience love and friendship, and wholeness. 

There are a lot of things that I don’t like and that I regret but I thank God for the strength, support, and opportunities to change. 

Word of the Year

I stopped making new year resolutions a while ago. Instead, I have taken to finding a word that I want to committ myself to for the year. The goal is that throughout the year the word will help keep me oriented and centered. When I begin to lose direction, or a sense of purpose I will think about my word and it will redirect me.

First year my word was endurance. It was the beginning of my mental health journey. I had not started treatment until about 9 months into the year. So whilst I was still unaware of my depression and my BPD, all I knew was that I was weak and that I needed  that word to keep me going. I had no idea what was plaguing me, but I knew I just needed to endure.

The second year my word was study. After finally being diagnosed the year before. I wanted to study myself, study my actions, and study my bible. That year was a year of self awareness for me. 

Last year….well….. 2016 started off with anger like I have never experienced before. 2015 ended with me storming out of one of my sisters house, walking the 2 hr walk from her house home, in the winter, with no coat. Then wanting to die of hypothermia, so sitting on the roof of my building while people called me worried about where I was. Then 2016 started with me telling my other sister about how I felt and her hanging up on me. And me smashing my practically mew phone against the wall. Then texting her from my moms phone that I hate her and that I hope she dies. So the first half of 2016 was characterized by so much anger and just lostness that a word of the year slipped my mind. And if it didn’t, well I sure don’t remember it so it doesn’t matter. 

My word for 2017 is Love. No one will ever reach a point of perfect love, the way we define perfect. But I hope to strive for a mature love. Love for myself, love for my friends, and love for my family. May Love shine through me this year. 

“You must love in such a way that the other person feels free.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh