I have wanted to write a new blog post for weeks now. I feel like the words are just stuck in my throat and that not even my brain has access to everything that I feel and would want to say if I could.
Lately it’s been feeling like I can’t breathe all the time. So many things are wrong on the inside that I don’t know how to share with anyone, including God and including myself.
I see who I want to be and I see all of the hurdles that stand in the way of me becoming that person, and I get so discouraged. I give up. I lay back in the bed, or I sink deeper into my chair, or I walk those hallways on autopilot and just give up.
It’s almost as if I have gotten so close to the end of this long dark tunnel that I have been in that when the light is an arms stretch away, I don’t want to finish. Am I afraid? Things have been so broken for so long that maybe I am not ready to inhabit a world where fighting isn’t so hard anymore. Before I had to fight for my survival. I had to fight like hell to keep my head above the water. Now, yea some days the emotions are overbearing and all the symptoms of my BPD that I have come to know as home, are all still here, but they don’t overtake me as strong as they use to.
I have fought so hard to survive that now I have a chance at life, and I see it, but I don’t mind walking away from it. Am I depressed? I don’t know.