Mourning

This post, this is just me pouring out my heart. There won’t be any tags, no categories, it’s not about people reading, but more about cleansing.

I haven’t posted in so long that I doubt my followers even remember the content of what I usually write about, so if you are lost reading this, I apologize.

Two weeks ago, my therapist told me that I need to mourn. Consciously, I feel fine, I feel nothing, but my actions are displaying symptoms of me trying to escape my pain.

I have been watching copious amounts of tv to try and run away from what it even means to mourn. But as I finished catching up on my show, and there were no more episodes to watch. I stared up in the dark and the floodgates opened.

Who would have thought that the saying is actually true, sometimes real love is actually letting go.

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Audacity

Who am I to think that I can do this?

Who am I to think that I am smart enough to handle being here?

Artemis had the right idea in rejecting me. I’m worthless.

If God makes no mistakes then why am I here? Surely, I am a mistake. 

If I can’t be here, then I shouldn’t be HERE. 

I can’t get up. I am afraid. 

Take me back to the hospitals and the doctors. Take me back to when I believed people could save me. 

Todays the first day of the rest of my life and I can’t get up.

I’m frozen in a thought pattern that I thought I outgrew. But it came back to remind me that I can’t do this. 

God is not real. I don’t know where to go. If I get up then I am comitting to doing this. 

God why is it all so dark? 

Im not afraid of failing because that is inevitable. I am afraid of succeeding. Of being ok.

Who am I to have thought that I was worth more than the scraps Artemis gave me? 

I’d do anything to get those scraps back. I can live off scraps, but I can’t live off nothing. Nothing, characterized by deep, dark unknown. 

God how do I walk in You? 

I know how to beg. I know how to be low, how to be shameful. God let me roll in my vomit. The smell has become home, it’s perfume is intoxicating, like I am laying my head in the bosom of disgust; disgust that I have invested all of me in. 

God I can’t leave my mat behind. No not like this. I have already “invested” so much time in waiting by the fountain for someone to lift me and put me in. What do you mean, that YOU have made me whole and I can just get up. No, no. There must be a mistake. I need to wait for someone to pick me up. 

IF, I get up, WHEN I fall, i’d be falling in new, cold, unchartered territory, alone. Without her. 

God I am here. I promise to give you all the broken pieces if you don’t let go. I understand that I’m too old to be carried through everything now, but God please don’t let go of my hand. My legs are shaking, my knees are weak, I can’t walk alone, please don’t let me go. 

Goal Reflection #2

Usually I post my goal reflections on Sunday, but I had work yesterday so I am writing it now as I commute home from work. 
1. Visit Artemis page only four times.

– I failed at this goal again except this time worst. I used my four looks by the end of the day Monday. Last week was a rough week and I just found myself feeling like I need her a lot more than usual. I think its because lil me is trying to fight me, and recognizes that I am very close to letting go of my unhealthy attachment and so its scared and holding on tighter. But lil me doesn’t have as much control over me nowadays. Since Thursday I have not been on her page at all and I blocked her to make it harder for me. Of course i can still get to it. But putting the block is like another mental restraint that I am adding and it has been helping. 
2. I will be in control over my happiness.

– Honestly, I was not happy last week so its hard for me to think if I accomplished this goal or not. 
There is a shift happening in me. I am getting MUCH better at sitting with the emptiness and disappointments I feel. For example, a part of my brain will tell me that I don’t mean anything to Artemis, and I will hear it and just sit with it. I’d think about how it may just be true, how I may mean very little to her, how i’m not special to her, and how far removed our lives actually are. I sit with it, if a tear falls it falls, but I don’t fight it. I don’t look for validation elsewhere. I breathe into it. Then I move on. 

Another shift is with Jupiter. I wrote about this already, how I have been having such good reactions and healthy mental processes concerning her. Another thing I noted this past week was how I am able to turn down the drive to seek her out. For example, in the very beginning I texted her as a way to get closer to her. I read into every text, every length of time it took to get a response, if I did get a response. Now, I just sit with the reality that I am not priority to her. Heck I don’t even double text. And not out of a mindset that feels like its embarrassing to double text, or if i double text then i look obsessive. But I don’t double text simply because i tell myself I can wait. If she doesn’t respond then I just tell myself we’ll talk about it tomorrow, or I just let it go. And to the part of me that takes it personal and that feels less than, and worthless, I just breathe into those emotions as well and experience them without acting on them. THAT is GROWTH! 

So yea, the emptiness is not pleasurable, the sadness is not welcome, the roller coaster of emotions on the inside is not favorable, but it’s me. Those are my struggles and I am proud of how I am bearing them. 

No goals this week. I just want to continue to experience life. 

Little Orphan Annie

This post exemplifies one of the reasons why she has easily become one of my favorite bloggers.

I can only hope that one day I am able to see my worth and validation in the One that formed me. I pray for the day that I stop viewing myself as the orphan, and instead allow myself to relax in a love that I have spent most of my life searching for.

BeautyBeyondBones

As many of you know, I’m an actor.

And one of my favorite roles I ever played was Annie.

Yes, yes, your red-headed, optimistic orphan was portrayed by Yours Truly. A couple of times.

But I mean, come on. You can’t not love that show. It’s like the original Hallmark movie: set in NYC during Christmas, cheesy dialogue (Leapin’ Lizards!), and of course, a feel-good ending.

It’s got Hallmark written all over it.

Now, I could dissect the lyrics of “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow.” I mean, let’s be real: that’d be a pretty appropriate topic for a recovery/hope-spewing blog.

But, you all are smart people and I’m not here to waste your time. I respect you too much.

I’m here to talk about…Daddy Warbucks.

Yep: your bald headed, capitalism-loving, millionaire softie.

Now. Quick recap, in case you live under a rock and have never seen the…

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Stop. Sing. Repeat.

I realized when I post that I almost always am in a bad place writing about how God is keeping me throughout it. I don’t ever post when I am in a good place despite internal turbulence. This is partially because I desire to share with the world the hope that I feel that God gives me in my pits, in hopes that it would encourage someone else. When I am having a good moment then I am up enjoying that moment and doing everything I had been neglecting and therefore don’t stop to write about it. Also, my good moments are the byproduct of realizations that God gives me about myself that I don’t know how, and am not ready to write about because I am still learning, living, and working through them, and that is something I like to do with God alone.

But yes, I do in fact have good moments. Sometimes I smile and laugh and bounce off the wall when God completely blows my mind and leaves me with no choice but to crank up the speakers and in my awful voice sing to Him because He deserves it, and because I believe the words I am singing.

So today one of the songs I have been cranking up and dancing to, albeit horribly rhythm-less, is this puppy right here. Hope you all enjoy it too!

The Reckless Romantic

I am feeling so many things all at once, so I could sit here and stare at this computer all I want but I will never be able to make them make sense or connect them to each other.

My person of attachment (poa) left me. I think all the thoughts and all the feelings are all the different paths that my brain is trying to take to help me process it, but it can’t really settle on a way.

When I wake up in the morning it feels like I can’t breathe. Inside hurts so much and I try to breathe but all I encounter are lumps in my throat and I start to wail. Every bit of pain I feel pours out of me then eventually it all goes numb and I start to think about what am I going to do and how am I going to move forward. But I get nothing. I feel nothing. I don’t know the way. Hence where all the different feelings come from and this continues on until it gets late and I take something to put me to sleep. Then I wake up and the cycle repeats itself.

I would be fine with the cycle. I would be fine trying to find God in the midst of all the pain if it weren’t for my family. The last time I was hospitalized it was so horrible. It was so so horrible mentally. God warned me that when faced with great pain if I try to fight his way I will end up in the hospital. And so here I am in so much pain and so like I said I cry a lot. But I don’t fight God by cutting or doing anything destructive to try and get my way because I don’t want to go to the hospital. But my mother and my sister threaten me everyday to send me to the hospital if I don’t stop crying. Then they start all the invalidation that I know so well, and in the midst of my crying my heart starts beating so fast every time I hear sirens which is like twice an hour in my neighborhood.

It just hurts me so much more because my heart is so broken and so raw and like deja vu I find myself having to decide to shut my family out again. Shut everything and everyone out because my heart can’t handle anymore mistakes. I know all the people I have attached myself to had good intentions just like my family but my heart simply can’t take anymore mistakes. After my dad died I shut my family out and went on a 12 year stint of looking for replacements to be my new family, my new mom and sisters.

The anniversary of my fathers death will be August 18th and I’m not going on year 13 making the same mistakes. The woman with the issue of the blood in the bible bled for 12 years before being made whole. For 12 years I searched for healing with other people and now no more.

So I just want to be left alone in my cycle with God. I want to wrestle with God because I blame Him and I feel like He betrayed me. I am a storm raging and I want to rage with God. I just want to be with God because even if I hate Him so much, I just want to rest in His bosom because I trust Him with my heart and He won’t ever make a mistake with it.

Once I heard a preacher refer to God as a reckless romantic. I thought the phrase to be so beautiful. Friends often call me a helpless romantic so I thought aww how cute for God to be a reckless romantic.

But now I see that God will reck anything and everything standing in between my heart and His. But unlike, our definition of reckless, God isn’t thoughtless, or rash, or careless. He strategically and in His own loving way creates the perfect storm, and I just want to rage in His storm.

Catch-22….sort of

  
A fellow blogger posted this picture recently and it really resonated with me. It showed me a path that I never realized I needed. 

Yesterday I had a really good day. At a point in the morning I was distressed but ended up managing to self-soothe which made me immensely proud. I then spent the rest of the afternoon singing worship songs, reading one of my favorite books, facetiming one of my favorite people and her daughter, and ended with a Frozen sing along with my nieces.

Everyone left for bed, and it was just me left trying to hold unto the beauty that was the day. But I think most importantly trying to hold unto the good day that I had with my favorite person. God gently reminded me of the poem but I couldn’t let go. 

I didn’t want to continue to grow without dancing with the wind, and I didn’t want to remain calm without the beauty of the bird on my surface. Simply put, I didn’t want to be. I, the bamboo, wanted to forcibly bend, rustle, and risk breaking to feel how I felt when the wind whistled through me. I, the lake, wanted to create a tumpest, splatter my water and create havoc, all to feel the beauty of the bird. 

But the wind will never be able to whistle through broken and fallen bamboo, and the bird will probably never want to fly over troubled waters. So after crying well into the wee hours of the morning I decided to just be, with God.

 Just being is a very painful experience for me because it requires repeated acts of breathing and accepting painful memories with painful emotions as they wash over you. Some days are much easier than others, and today is a very hard day, which is why I guess I decided to blog, being that blogging helps calm me in a way journaling can’t. 

Today I feel like my only options are lay in bed utterly depressed, or manic with anger because all the thoughts in my head are angering and I don’t think I have the emotional capacity to deal with them in a healthy fashion right now.

I choose resisting my thoughts and risking the depression because it keeps me safe and the people I love unscathed. 

Baby Steps

I felt an overwhelming need to blog today.

I have been so scared lately. I don’t realize the pain of living with mental illnesses until I actually want to try and pick my life back up. All that keeps playing through my mind are memories of who I use to be; hard-worker, star student, ambitious, spiritual, and alive. Every day I wake up and tell myself that “I’m not sick anymore, let’s do it!” But then, the cavity in my chest just starts opening as if to tell me that if I try to get up, it will swallow me and I will cease to exist.

Lately, my baby steps have been so small that I don’t even want to take them. I don’t feel like it’s worth it. I want to leap not crawl, and everyday that I can’t leap I tell myself that I’ll lay in bed until I feel my legs ready to spring. I know it’s destructive and I know it makes no sense, but thats all I know how to be and sometimes I feel like i’d rather die than live a lesser version of myself.

Life is waiting for me and I don’t want to waste time learning how to walk again, when I don’t even know why I am crippled to begin with….