Moments of Honesty

I have been thinking about the number of times I have written about my realizations and determination to get with and stay with God. I have been feeling ashamed that I once again had the same realization meaning that I had lost my connection to Him again. It begs the question for me are my realizations sincere, because if they are how can I allow myself to get so far from Him again and again, if I know I really need Him. 

I don’t know. 

I honestly do know that with God I feel a peace that never exists outside of Him. I do know that life is just better with Him. In that sense I know those realizations are truthful because they prove to be a constant everytime I return to Him. 

The realizations that I am ashamed of are when I say I won’t allow people to get between me and God. 😞 Those realizations have not proven to be true. Instead it happens so naturally that it takes me a while to even realize that I have been distant from God because of a hell of a whole lot of suppressed anger towards Him for allowing my relationship to pan out the way it did with my ex attachment figure. 

Two months ago I told her I didn’t want us to speak to one another for a year because I felt like I needed her to not be an option for a very long time so that I could stop using her as a crutch and force myself to devote myself to this therapy process. At the time, my decision was fueled by a whole lot of resentment towards her for how I felt about myself in a relationship with her. I was chasing after someone who didn’t want me, and I got to the point of feeling ultra low that I could keep selling myself to someone who made a million and one excuses over the course of 8 months for why they are unable to have one phone call with me. At the end of the day I wasn’t mad at her for treating me like that, I was mad at myself for allowing myself to stay where I was clearly not welcomed anymore. 

However, I am ashamed to say that since i’ve made that decision, despite knowing how it made me feel, I still wish she was in my life. I wish she would love me and mean it. I wish I could love her without needing her to be more than a friend. I am very selfish in that I still mostly see her as a cure for my emptiness. She played a role and I just wasn’t ready nor accepting of when she realized she couldn’t play that role no more. And I feel like im constantly bleeding on the inside because I choose to not accept reality and instead keep a gaping hole inside of me empty for someone who had made it explicitly clear that they are not coming back to me in that way. My therapist pointed out to me the numerous ways I cocnciously carry that hole with me and refuse to fill it, because of my denial that she’s gone. 

I am in denial, and my denial gets in the way of God and I. And i’m honestly just not ready to accept reality. I’m not and i’m sorry God. I’m sorry for dissappointing those who think I am stronger than this. I am sorry for the people I hold at a distance because of my denial. I’m not willing to accept that she is gone yet. To some I may be disgusting and a very shameful creature with no respect for herself (well at least thats how I see myself) but I’m ok with that for now. I still maintain my no contact from her, mostly out of not wanting to continuously burden her with me, and finally respecting her desire to not be with me, but if she were to text me today and say she wants me i’m 65% sure i’d jump on the opportunity. 

Back in August I was 99% sure so I guess thats progress. 

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God Sees You and He Cares

This is a very impromptu post, but this thought just came into my heart and I wanted to share it. No edits, no touchups, just writing then sharing with you all.

I am very unhappy and I am very broken. Sometimes I still struggle with self-destructive behaviors, and am actually currently struggling with it now which is why I think I felt prompted to write this post. 

I am laying in bed bleeding physically and emotionally when God reminded me that i’ve been here before. However that reminder came with this unexplainable peace. I am in this cycle, an emotional roller coaster. I soar, then halfway in flight, I lose sensation, all awareness of why I am even flying. Where am I flying to, and whats the purpose of getting there? Instantaneously, I stop flapping my wings and allow myself to fall, not really caring where I land, how it will hurt, or who I will hurt on the way down. I just fall. I land and start thinking, if all I am going to do is lay here broken and useless then why keep breathing. But I still continue to breathe. I breathe until little by little, I find myself moving and eventually on the way to flying again. 

When God whispered to me that i’ve been here before, it took on this whole new meaning. At first, I wanted to ignore him because I don’t know why He would even come to me while I am in my sin. But what if what I see as failure, as a waste of life, God sees as purpose and all part of the process?

I don’t think God is surprised by my downs, sometimes I even feel like it makes sense to Him. But what He focuses on is that I don’t stay down as long as I use to. I fly longer. I have more genuine moments of peace and happiness. I am improving. All I see is the fall, whereas He sees the whole picture. He sees I’m struggling but that I’m honestly trying. Saying i’ve been here before is not meant to patronize me or make me feel like a screw up because I mess up. But I think He sees the shame I feel, the confusion I feel, the hopelessness, and He’s saying you see a dirty life, but I see temporary process. 

But here’s the realization that really brought peace. There’s room for my brokenness in His plan. It’s like I zoomed out and saw a glimpse of the whole world, and all around there was just broken people, suffering people, everywhere. Then I saw me, and I belonged and I mattered. My brokenness wasn’t an inconvenience, it wasn’t taking up space or time. I saw everyone in need and I also saw me. 

It just felt like God was saying I see everyone but I still also see you. Don’t worry about the cycle, be patient, i’m in control. I then pictured me as a hamster on a wheel and I began running the wheel with fervor, like i feel like im not getting anywhere now, but this wheel is attached to a generator, and if I run it long enough eventually the power meter will be full then the next phase will take off. My cycle is generating power for where God wants to take me next. 

God isn’t saying stay in sin. He’s saying recognize the pattern, and don’t be afraid to talk to me about the sin that confuses you. Don’t be afraid. You are confused. You genuinely don’t understand. Faith is doing whats right without understanding, but then there are just some core issues that won’t yield to our small faith alone. 

Mark 9:23-25, 28-29     Jesus said to him, “If you can believe, all things are possible to him who believes.”24 Immediately the father of the child cried out and said with tears, “Lord, I believe; help my unbelief!”

25 When Jesus saw that the people came running together, He rebuked the unclean spirit, saying to it: “Deaf and dumb spirit, I command you, come out of him and enter him no more!” 28 And when He had come into the house, His disciples asked Him privately, “Why could we not cast it out?” 29 So He said to them, “This kind can come out by nothing but prayer and fasting.”

So don’t be afraid when your faith is too small; that’s an opportunity to talk with God and strengthen your relationship with Him. Understand that the truth is whether you like it or not somethings you will struggle with for a long time, so believe that God believes you, that He is validating you, and struggle through WITH Him.