Moments of Honesty

I have been thinking about the number of times I have written about my realizations and determination to get with and stay with God. I have been feeling ashamed that I once again had the same realization meaning that I had lost my connection to Him again. It begs the question for me are my realizations sincere, because if they are how can I allow myself to get so far from Him again and again, if I know I really need Him. 

I don’t know. 

I honestly do know that with God I feel a peace that never exists outside of Him. I do know that life is just better with Him. In that sense I know those realizations are truthful because they prove to be a constant everytime I return to Him. 

The realizations that I am ashamed of are when I say I won’t allow people to get between me and God. 😞 Those realizations have not proven to be true. Instead it happens so naturally that it takes me a while to even realize that I have been distant from God because of a hell of a whole lot of suppressed anger towards Him for allowing my relationship to pan out the way it did with my ex attachment figure. 

Two months ago I told her I didn’t want us to speak to one another for a year because I felt like I needed her to not be an option for a very long time so that I could stop using her as a crutch and force myself to devote myself to this therapy process. At the time, my decision was fueled by a whole lot of resentment towards her for how I felt about myself in a relationship with her. I was chasing after someone who didn’t want me, and I got to the point of feeling ultra low that I could keep selling myself to someone who made a million and one excuses over the course of 8 months for why they are unable to have one phone call with me. At the end of the day I wasn’t mad at her for treating me like that, I was mad at myself for allowing myself to stay where I was clearly not welcomed anymore. 

However, I am ashamed to say that since i’ve made that decision, despite knowing how it made me feel, I still wish she was in my life. I wish she would love me and mean it. I wish I could love her without needing her to be more than a friend. I am very selfish in that I still mostly see her as a cure for my emptiness. She played a role and I just wasn’t ready nor accepting of when she realized she couldn’t play that role no more. And I feel like im constantly bleeding on the inside because I choose to not accept reality and instead keep a gaping hole inside of me empty for someone who had made it explicitly clear that they are not coming back to me in that way. My therapist pointed out to me the numerous ways I cocnciously carry that hole with me and refuse to fill it, because of my denial that she’s gone. 

I am in denial, and my denial gets in the way of God and I. And i’m honestly just not ready to accept reality. I’m not and i’m sorry God. I’m sorry for dissappointing those who think I am stronger than this. I am sorry for the people I hold at a distance because of my denial. I’m not willing to accept that she is gone yet. To some I may be disgusting and a very shameful creature with no respect for herself (well at least thats how I see myself) but I’m ok with that for now. I still maintain my no contact from her, mostly out of not wanting to continuously burden her with me, and finally respecting her desire to not be with me, but if she were to text me today and say she wants me i’m 65% sure i’d jump on the opportunity. 

Back in August I was 99% sure so I guess thats progress. 

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Seeing Leah in Me: Final Installment

I’m back for the last installment in the Seeing myself in Leah series. For Part 1 click here and part two here.

I ended Part one with a quote that says “Sometimes, you choose the one that doesn’t want to be chosen – the one that can’t (or won’t) choose you back.”

cant choose back

This was Leah. She was not as pretty in Jacob’s eyes and Jacob spent 14 years attempting to secure Rachel as his wife. By no fault of Jacobs, he rejected Leah as his wife because he never signed up to be her husband. Leah wanted him to choose her though he had already chosen Rachel. Genesis 29 reads:

31 When the Lord saw that Jacob loved Rachel more than Leah, he made it possible for Leah to have children, but not Rachel. 32 Leah became pregnant and gave birth to a son. She named him Reuben, because she said, “The Lord has seen my troubles. Surely now my husband will love me.”

33 Leah became pregnant again and gave birth to another son. She named him Simeon and said, “The Lord has heard that I am not loved, so he has given me this son.”

34 Leah became pregnant again and gave birth to another son. She named him Leviand said, “Now, surely my husband will be close to me, because I have given him three sons.”

35 Then Leah gave birth to another son. She named him Judah, because she said, “Now I will praise the Lord.” Then Leah stopped having children.

If we were to use the least amount of time possible and say that Leah were to get pregnant consecutively then 9*4=36 months about 3 years. In reality she probably had more rest time between babies so I’d say that Leah spent about 4 years hoping for Jacob to see her, be close to her, and love her. She wanted to be chosen too. The status and worth of a woman at the time  weighed heavy on their ability to find a spouse and produce children. Her father had to trick her sisters suitor into marrying her and then he still neglected her even after bearing him male sons that would carry on his name.

With each baby came the hope that Jacob would love her, until finally she came to the end of herself and praised God with no strings attached. She praised God for God and not because she felt He was bringing her closer to what her heart wanted.

I see myself in Leah because my heart yearns to be chosen too. Life brought people into my life who became for me what they never sought out to be. So they grew closer to me thinking they were going to be my brother in law, my mentor, or my friend, then woke up the next morning and realized they were my lover, my savior, and my mom and they don’t know how they got to be there. These roles become cemented and I want them to accept the role and be what they never wanted to be because I want it. I begin to give everything that I think would make them love me and want to be close to me, to only come out feeling empty and rejected. But how can you really reject what you never sought after. Jacob probably did not reject Leah as a person, he rejected her as his wife. It still hurts either way but what do you do? Pursue them endlessly or turn your attention towards the One who chose you, who hears you, and who wants you.

With the birth of Judah, Leah turned her attention to God. This was the child that she finally praised with. And this is the child that God chose to have His Son, Jesus, descend from.

What do I continue to learn from Leah? I learn how to be human. She was content with Judah for a while until Rachel began using her maids to have children. When Leah attempted to engage in this competition with her sister her womb was shut and she had to use her maids as well. God did not allow her to engage in this petty competition for a mans heart that would never be hers. To the day Jacob died we don’t hear or see any account of him ever loving Leah the way she sought. In fact, he favored Rachel’s son’s above all the children that Leah ever bore him.

Wouldn’t it be comforting to read that God eventually gave Jacob a heart to love Leah the way she desired to be loved. That doesn’t happen. Leah eventually stopped seeking love and affection and comforted herself with gaining his respect and security as the mother of his six sons. Genesis 30: 19 Then Leah became pregnant again and gave birth to a sixth son for Jacob. 20 She named him Zebulun, for she said, “God has given me a good reward. Now my husband will treat me with respect, for I have given him six sons.” Jacob buried Leah in the burial place of his ancestors, the place where he requested to be buried. So did he ever love her in that way? We don’t know, but he most likely did respect her.

I am human. I desire to be chosen by people who can’t choose me. I turn my eyes to God for a moment but then lose focus on God and attempt to chase the heart of man, only to find that Gods blessings departed from me, and the peace I once had, I don’t have anymore. But I learn, and though I may still have the desires, I turn my eyes towards reality and the Truth, then serve God above my passions and one day God will reward me far above my expectations.

Seeing Leah in Me: Part 1

**This is a transparent post, and like always I want to share because it is another way in which I recognize an evolution of sorts. I will divide it into two parts.**

Show me someone with BPD that does not have deep identity disturbances and emptiness. The concept of who I am is not even something I am able to ponder on for too long because feeling connected with myself is such a fleeting phenomenon.

Yesterday while on a prayer call, the preacher spoke about finding someone in the bible that resonates with us and learn from their life and walk with God. This resonated with me because this same week at Church a Pastor spoke on how we can’t even believe in the promises or directions of God because we really don’t know who we are in Him.

I thought about who resonates with me the most in the bible, and no one was coming up. The only person I thought of was Elijah because of his depression, but still his story and his life is not one that I relate too on a deeper level. So I gave up the search and resumed feeling very overwhelmed and just despondent towards life. That’s how I’ve been existing, just floating through. I don’t talk with friends as much, getting up is harder, smiling is difficult. I’m pretty sure if someone saw me on the train i’d look like a shell of a person, because that is how I feel.

Yet, in the midst of this I somehow “had a revelation” that I am sooo healed from my attachment figure and I can refollow her blog and her instagram. tumblr_lmg5pvNu5l1qzcy5co1_500While talking to a friend, I casually mentioned that I had done that, not really expecting a reaction because I assumed she would feel the same as me. And immediately she was like why would you do that. And I’m like “idk” and proceeded to move on with the conversation we were having. Then she rewinded it and said we can’t move on because I should not have done that.    images-11

 

*insert her long speech on how at this moment in time where so many things are at stake with classes and medical school, I can’t afford another breakdown, and all it would take is one “wrong” picture and I would crack, blah blah, blah.*

Our conversation was a lot more emotional and it ended with me somberly realizing that I did it because I just wanted to be close to her. I feel soo alone and I just wanted to feel close to her again even if just in my mind. My friend sympathized and we agreed that I could keep the blog but ex the instagram, because it was a risky chance.

*insert my stupidity*

 

I’m on my wordpress and she has a new blog up, yay! I read and enjoy and then decide, maybe she also has a new picture up on instagram (it’s public). Excited with the opportunity to see a fresh picture of her, I go on and I see a new box loading and I start smiling, eager to see what awaits, and am instead greeted with text. Now the alarm went off in my head not to read, but who listens to the alarms right….

In the text I was greeted with the news that she would be starting a show with her spiritual mother about their relationship as a parallel relationship to one of THE most praised spiritual mother and daughter relationship, Naomi and Ruth. For those who don’t know the story, a brief synopsis is Ruth loved her mother in law sooo much that even when their husbands died, Ruth sacrificed her hometown and life to follow and be apart of Naomi’s.

Without warning the floodgates behind my eyes burst open and I was on the phone with a friend confessing my actions and seeking guidance on my next series of actions because the self-defeating and self-damaging thoughts in my head were not healthy. It felt like “Rejection, Abandonment, Un-loved” became anvils that just fell upon my chest and heart.

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I was always jealous of their relationship, I mean after all, I did only spend the last two years hoping that she would see me as her daughter, and that she would want me.

My friend, though she was shocked at my stupidity at first with a “wait, what, why would you do that!” then helped me see that I have been feeling very overwhelmed and stressed and when that happens I use to turn to her, so though it caught her off guard, it makes sense why I would turn to my attachment figure in the only way I knew how.

After googling how to cope with feeling rejected, and un-loved, I came across this quote:

“Sometimes, you choose the one that doesn’t want to be chosen – the one that can’t (or won’t) choose you back.”

cant choose back

From this I was led to the story of Leah in the bible. Part two will pick up there….

To Be Continued….

Guard Your Heart

About two weeks ago I felt pushed to delve into and write about what it means to guard your heart. However, I couldn’t because there are just some aspects of my heart that were better left ignored, in my opinion, until there was an appropriate time, namely after the biggest exam in my life to date, passes.

209965I can’t help the unintentional triggers that cause me pain. I feel like I don’t have a choice in the instances where in the melting pot that is America, I inevitably pass people that speak her language, or eat her favorite cultural dessert.

I can’t help those, so I took the necessary steps to avoid intentional triggers. I removed everything of hers off my phone, from pictures to texts, and her presence off of my favorite social media sites.

In all of this though, my relationship with God suffered. I blame God for the ongoing state of pain I always find myself in. In my mind I saw the potential for the downfall of this relationship and when I tried to run away, I thought that it was Him teaching me how to stay and learn to love and accept love.

So naturally for me, as i’m sure many people like me with BPD, can relate to. What resulted was the inevitable investment of my entire self. My heart, my mind, I would have even invested my body if she wanted it, in exchange for her to do the impossible task of filling me unendingly. Of course at the time I did not know that I was engaging in this kind of relationship, however, soon after circumstances revealed the nature of my attachment, things went bad fast.

I was already in too deep to pull away, and she was already too scared to love me or care for me past the newly instated boundaries she felt compelled to enact. The result was a perpetual state of rejection and hurt like none other that I have ever faced.

It hurts so freaking bad. I feel like God must be punishing me for being such a bad person. I believe that he orchestrated all of this on purpose to break me. In my mind He must be punishing me because her joy and her peace has been restored, leading me to think that it was Him and her against me this entire time. And I’ve had other borderline relationships end but despite the pain, my internal sense of peace and connection to God, was never affected because things just made sense. This never and doesn’t make sense. So I run away.

guardheartsnoopy

Though I began by subconsciously running away, when God brought it to my consciousness with a post on my instagram that I’m running. And a follow up verse to show me how just to guard my heart, I ignore Him. Philippians 4:4-7

4 Be full of joy in the Lord always. I will say again, be full of joy.
5 Let everyone see that you are gentle and kind. The Lord is coming soon.
6 Do not worry about anything, but pray and ask God for everything you need, always giving thanks.
7 And God’s peace, which is so great we cannot understand it, will keep your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.

I found it a cruel joke to be told that the way to guarding my heart is by having God’s peace. A peace that comes from not worrying about the trials in my heart, but instead praying for a God to do what He sees fit, when I’m scared that what seems fit to Him is punishing me because I am a bad person that does not exemplify His Glory in the way I live my life.

But yesterday, two weeks after this initial run in with God, my ways failed me, like they always do. My way of guarding my heart backfired, because I truly was always unable to do it alone. Though I thought I removed her from all social media platforms, yesterday night her blog showed up on my wordpress feed, because I completely forgot she had a blog. And like clockwork, just at the mere sight of her name, my heart sank. Everything I have been protecting myself from came rushing full force. I felt pressed at the thought of her noticing that I unfollowed her blog, and feared her thinking it was out of malice and not self-preservation, then saddened by the realization that she wouldn’t even care or give it thought because whereas she was able to stop caring for me, she still means so much to me.

So when I woke up this morning, with no desire to move, or eat, or breathe, I began to cry because I realized that I have to confront my hurt, and my heart, and that I have to do so with God. Removing reminders of her is a way of preventing constant bruising at wounds that are trying to heal, but that is not what guards the heart.

Guarding the heart has to be more, it is meant to be more. It is not trying to protect myself from heart grievances by instituting walls that keep everyone out and me locked in. Guarding my heart is a daily walk of prayer with the God who I am angry at. It is covering myself with prayer, and accepting His comfort. I didn’t know how deeply betrayed by God I felt, until I tried to sit and watch a sermon and anger boiled inside of me, then despondency, then finally waterworks to my friend, that revealed through my rambling that my soul is so unstable, because it recognizes it’s emptiness, and fears that God doesn’t recognize it too. That God doesn’t care about my pain or hurt because He thinks I deserve it. That God has His other children’s backs and I have to get the cinderella step-daughter treatment because I am just inherently vile. I believe that He would have her build me up and help me learn to love myself only to have her reach a point of being unable to love me to reflect the reality that I am unloveable.

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Guard my heart because from it flow the issues of my life. “Guarding my heart” against a relationship is not what this verse intends. Who we are does not flow from relationships but rather relationships reveal who we are. Guarding the heart means guarding the thoughts that we store up inside of ourselves that then color the lens through which we live.

Hence why it is only appropriate that Paul follows up his discussion about Gods’ peace with Philippians 4:8-9

8 Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.

9 Those things, which ye have both learned, and received, and heard, and seen in me, do: and the God of peace shall be with you.

The thoughts we think are important. Not seeing her name is not how I guard my heart. Dealing with the fact that I feel unloveable and unworthy of connection when I see her name, is guarding my heart, because then and only then will I stop equating my worth with the value I felt I had in our relationship. Then and only then will I be able to see her name without feeling that I will inevitably be rejected because that’s all I deserve. Once those thoughts have been replaced with new ones, I will not only truly heal from this past relationship, but will be better equipped and ready to handle not only new relationships, but different avenues that I may need to get to, that my stunted self-esteem has kept me from.

God must see something in me that makes Him pursue me, and it has to be more than wanting to punish me. Only by working with Him, and not against Him will I be able to purify my heart and gain His peace to help me grow.

Road Map Meme

Frown Turned Upside Down

DISCLAIMER: I needed to talk and this post starts off a bit sad because thats what I needed to talk about, and didn’t want anyone to read on just in case you didn’t want to go through the sad on this holiday, but as I continued writing my mood did turn around and ended up being hopeful!

I know that today is Thanksgiving and that I am supposed to be celebrating but that’s not my truth.

I am grateful for a lot and i thank God every chance I get at the realization of how blessed of a person I am.

But this morning as I pray for strength to make it through another day again I can’t help but break down at the thought of my reality.

It’s been over a year since I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder, and since then I have improved at maintaining a stable existence despite my symptoms. But today I realized that I want to be more than stable, I want to be joyous.

I made an apple pie yesterday for the first time and I was so proud and so happy and so excited for my family to taste it today. And yet, at night I found myself crying myself to sleep again. But thats been usual for me. I cry when I wake up and when I go to sleep because those are the moments I sit down with God and pray and vent out the pain in my heart, this way I still give it it’s time, and I don’t allow it to take over my whole day and prevent me from functioning.

But this morning when I woke up with the same physical pain in my chest from anxiety and depression I just started begging God why. And I know i’m not supposed to do that because thats how pain turns into suffering. Pain isn’t an option, suffering is. But I just wanted to wake up and start making my Pumpkin cream-cheese pie. I wanted to be happy today. But I woke up with the same lack of desire to live and physical ache in my chest, and self mutilitation urges and I’m tired. This month will make it 5 months since my last menstrual period because my body is just under constant stress, my hair is falling out, and i’m just always so fatigued.

I never understood how depression could be debilitating, because I experienced the debilitating effects of major depressive episodes (theres a distinction between major depressive episodes, and major depressive disorder. Episodes are what people usually think of when you hear depression, and they last about 2 weeks. Major Depressive Disorder is categorized by having had 2 or more episodes with at least 2 months symptom free in between.) But though depression may feel more manageable than an episode, overtime the constant prolonged sadness weighs on you. Then throw in the persistent emptiness of BPD, and mood swings from rage to elatedness, to despair in the course of an hour, then the feeling of dissociation when you’re alone and not practicing mindfulness, and today is the day where I woke up and started suffering because I just wanted to make pumpkin cream-cheese pie for my family not balance emotions and suicidal thoughts.

However, after writing this post I am able to again choose to just feel pain and not suffer. I needed to talk but didn’t want to call my friends because it’s Thanksgiving and I don’t want to have this convo with them, though they hate it when I don’t call them when I need to, but the same way they love me and want to protect me, I love them and want to bring more joy into their lives than I do worry over my health, and because they love me they will worry.

I’m done questioning God today. He gives me enough strength to make it through each day and (and my neice just walked in at the end of the water works 🙂 Thank God! I love his timing!!) I will continue to seek Him daily, because though my lot gets heavy at times, He always steps in and helps me carry it, and that’s why I’m still here. Everyone has their lot and I am so very thankful that He desires to stay near me in mines and works to get me to learn what it feels like to be loved by Him when I’m too damaged to understand.

Emptiness

I have been wanting to write in one form or another, whether that be journaling or blogging for some time now. However, I just don’t see the point anymore.

I have known emptiness before but whenever I felt myself drowning under the weight of the emptiness I would seek out my attachment figure and that would sort of fill me temporarily till the next wave and the cycle would repeat.

With her gone I have been chronically empty. Nothing has meaning or purpose to me, I have no passion and I just drag myself through the days living for distraction after distraction

I have not read my bible for maybe 2-3 weeks now, and I barely talk to God. For me it’s because I feel like I am a constant disappointment to Him. I simply really do not understand or know the course I am supposed to be taking. I have been tolerating my emptiness fairly well in terms of not doing anything destructive and eating when I know i’m supposed to, though i never feel hungry, and pushing myself to attend to the responsibilities I have. I feel like that is all I can do because when I attempt to push myself past that I begin to cry because my chest begins to ache because pushing past that causes my emptiness to mingle with loneliness and I don’t feel like I can handle the weight of both of them combined.

For me I feel like this is enough for me right now. But I am afraid that God wants me to be more actively pursuing Him, when honestly pursuing Him just causes me so much distress because of all of the confusion that results.

And I want to live for God. I want to please Him and be His. But I don’t want to feel the pressure of not being or doing enough every time I am with Him, so I avoid Him.

I have accepted the emptiness as home and I just want to relax alone in this new home for a while.