Peace with Pain: Going Through Process

While meditating with God today He said something very striking. We spoke about the concept of choice. 

I reasoned that I feel like in certain things I don’t have an actual choice because choosing them means choosing a lack of peace. In which case, obviously I will not choose the option that doesn’t give me peace. Who would? He argued back that I technically have. I have chosen the unpeaceful route over and over again and I may choose it again tomorrow. 

Hmmmm….that is true. But I rebutted with thats because choosing God doesn’t give me peace either. And He responded with, “no, you have peace, you just also have pain.” 

I expect that Gods route means Him taking away all that is unpleasant. Process is process. There is no shortcut around the fire. God never said there wouldn’t be pain. 

Can you stand in pain, having peace that He who said He loves you, still loves you even though it still hurts? 

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God Exists in the Reminders

Lately it has been increasingly harder for me to get out of bed.

I have been eating my feelings away with cheesecake, chocolate cake, cookies, chips, pints of ice cream, and the list goes on.

My body started reacting by becoming increasingly sluggish, and just so drained and tired. Basically, the bad aftermath began to outweigh the good feelings experienced while overeating that I decided to stop.

Along with that, I have been trying to make a commitment to myself to return to exercising. Exercising is something I unfortunately associate with my attachment figure. Therefore, I have been so weighed down at the thought of exercising because of all the mental baggage associated with it.

I have been missing her more and more and more. Yesterday I had a nightmare that I went on her social media page and ended up breaking down crying. The resulting body shakes woke me up, and I was relieved to know it was only a dream. I was also very proud at my commitment to ignoring the parts of me that wants to do things like see her or hear her, when I know it really is a trap in disguise to derail me. I’m just not ready and i’m not going to cause myself unnecessary pain.

However, exercising brings up thoughts of her more and more. I was supposed to get out of the bed 3 hours ago, but the hollowness inside has been making that hard. I laid here repeating to God over and over that “I can’t, I just can’t”

I went on instagram and the first thing on my feed was this:

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“I can do it, just keep putting one foot in front of the other”

God believes in me, so i’m just going to get up. But before I did, I just wanted to share with everyone here to not neglect the reminders that God gives you. He is in those reminders, He is with you. Why rob yourself of the presence of Love by chocking things up to coincidence. You will find Him when you look for Him with all your heart.