22 Days

Haven’t posted in a while and that is because I have been actively wanting to “just do it” instead of writing about what I want, or could be doing. This morning I felt persuaded to write a reflections post, so here I am.

22 days ago I woke up and realized that the pain of holding unto someone who doesn’t want me anymore, finally outweighed the pain of living without that person. So 22 days ago I stopped seeking out interactions with Artemis, my past attachment figure, through any form of her social media pages, or the people in her immediate circle, and through my texting her. 

Just for reference, the longest I have ever spent without contacting her is about 2 months, and the longest i’ve ever spent without viewing her stuff whether we were talking or not talking was idk lol, but probably not long maybe 1 month. 

So these past 22 days have been interesting but also tremendously healing. I wrote about when I decided to just follow her sites because not doing it was pointless for me because I felt nothing wrong with it besides fear she’d think bad of me, and I wanted to finally put what I need first. However, 22 days ago I woke up with the same urge to check in on her because I felt like I was losing my connection to her. And then for no other reason besides time, I finally voiced to myself that she is gone, and ALL parts of me finally HEARD it, and PROCESSED it. 

I downloaded Quit that, an app to track how long I have quit something, prayed to God to be my accountability partner, and started my journey to “quitting” Artemis. 

This time feels very different and more real because it’s for me whereas before I felt I had no choice. When I went those two months before, I did it through a whole lot of numbing and distractions because I wasn’t ready to let go of her then, I didn’t understand why, I didn’t agree that it was what was best, and I had a lot of fight left in me to fill my void with her. 

Now though, almost every 2 days is a struggle and about once a week for the past three weeks there was a day where the temptation was super strong to look at her page. I have not even seen the website that she said she was launching!!!! So it really feels like her life is moving on without me. But struggling through that has been helping me heal and process, and most importantly, LOVE. Because when I feel the urge to look. 

1) I get to reason through that I am doing this to feel connected to her, and keep her alive in my head. From there all parts of me get reminded that she is gone and we don’t want the pain of resuscitating her to have to face the fact that she’s gone….again. So these past 22 days have been a continuous stream of mourning that feels therapeutic and long overdue.

2) I have gained more love for myself and my worth, as well as my boundaries. Saying no to her has finally allowed me to say yes to me, and I think the result also has been that I need less of her, or anyone for that matter. 

Which brings me to the last part of this reflection, my relationship with Jupiter, my coworker that I started attaching to. Over the past 22 days I also notice that I have had zero interest in trying to pursue attachment behaviors with Jupiter. It’s like I recognize what I want, and have been choosing instead to wrestle with the fact that it’s impossible to gain with anyone. But also, mourning Artemis just also gives me the wake up call that if she couldn’t do it, no one can, because she tried hard to do it, and was and probably will be the only one to ever try something like that. So my brain is just like dude theres no point pursuing attachment behaviors, it don’t work.

In the end, Artemis holds a special place in my heart above the rest. Even my therapist finally admits that she was more to me then just an object. But I’m ok with learning to accept that she’s gone. But I still also ask God, that if He wills maybe we can meet again in another life, but only if He wills. Which I think, THINK, conveys that i’m not ready to 100% let go, but hey if so it’s only been 22 days 😉 

Grief

I love her.

We’re over.
It hurts.

The End.

This is what I find myself having to tell my friends. They are very supportive and understand what the end of this relationship means for me. They are afraid that I will break down and have to cancel my MCAT….again. 

I am forever grateful for my friends. Truly.
But I realized that over the course of this year, I have finally begun learning what grief is and learning how to mourn, and all of those things have prepared me for this moment. 

The most important thing I have learned about mourning and grief is that you have to let it happen, and not work too hard to get over it, or to stay in it. Grief will come in waves, one moment you will be submerged, then the next it will pull back. Don’t wait and look for the submersion, don’t fear that the pulling back of the waves means that the grief is over and you weren’t actually hurt, and don’t hate yourself when the wave comes again because you thought it was over. 

Us being over hurts, it is painful, but it doesn’t hurt like hell. A part of me is tempted to think that that means that she never mattered to me, but thats not true. I have been mourning her since August. For two months I couldn’t eat, sleep, breathe, my chest was under constant compression and I longed for death. 

Though we tried to make it work, this goodbye is the acceptance part of that grief process that it’s over. Do I cry? Of course. It still hurts very badly. But i’m not in the eye of a storm where I never have moments to gasp for air. So when the wave comes over me, I cry and acknowledge it’s presence, then when it starts to recede I welcome that too and try to find ways to move forward. 

Mourning may be painful, but it’s freeing.