Joy of the Lord

I have been out of the country and blogging on my phone so I apologize in advance if I don’t include the verses and rather just reference them. 

I think it’s safe to say that 1 Samuel is my favorite book of the bible. No matter how many times I read it, when I feel like I need God the most, it’s the book I turn to. 

With that I was reading 1 Samuel chapter two and it starts with Hannah praising God and giving all of these thanks to Him. And in her praise she mentions in sum that those who were full, will be in want, and those who had need will be full. It is a theme that I have read multiple times in different places in the bible. 

Today I paused on it. It bothered me because I always only saw it in a vengeance sense. That God will strip people of their things. And it was said in such a way that it was a cause for rejoicing. Like “yes God! It’s their time to experience poverty and my time to be rich!” 

But God drew my attention to the first part of Hannah’s praise, “my heart rejoiceth in the Lord.” And I thought about what if what God is actually trying to convey is the reality that our circumstances, no matter what they may be, are fleeting. One day we can be full and the next we can be hungry. The message, though yes if we want, we can apply it to our enemies, we should apply it to ourselves. Lose the habit of worrying about outward things, and what happens to our enemies and focus instead on how to grow in God. 

God wanted ME to know about ME that whether I am full or in need, let my heart rejoice in Him. 

And as many of you know, I struggle a lot with mental health, but we all experience highs and lows so what God shared with me can apply to everyone. And God just reached into my heart and held it and said, “I remember when this first happened you were so happy and you had so much energy and light, and I loved it. But now that it is seemingly gone, don’t focus on how to change the circumstance to get that happiness back. No. Focus on me to get joy. Joy so that no matter what changes happen in your life, your heart can still rejoice, you can still have my light.” 

I want joy. I need joy. May the joy of the Lord be my strength. 

Peace with Pain: Going Through Process

While meditating with God today He said something very striking. We spoke about the concept of choice. 

I reasoned that I feel like in certain things I don’t have an actual choice because choosing them means choosing a lack of peace. In which case, obviously I will not choose the option that doesn’t give me peace. Who would? He argued back that I technically have. I have chosen the unpeaceful route over and over again and I may choose it again tomorrow. 

Hmmmm….that is true. But I rebutted with thats because choosing God doesn’t give me peace either. And He responded with, “no, you have peace, you just also have pain.” 

I expect that Gods route means Him taking away all that is unpleasant. Process is process. There is no shortcut around the fire. God never said there wouldn’t be pain. 

Can you stand in pain, having peace that He who said He loves you, still loves you even though it still hurts? 

22 Days

Haven’t posted in a while and that is because I have been actively wanting to “just do it” instead of writing about what I want, or could be doing. This morning I felt persuaded to write a reflections post, so here I am.

22 days ago I woke up and realized that the pain of holding unto someone who doesn’t want me anymore, finally outweighed the pain of living without that person. So 22 days ago I stopped seeking out interactions with Artemis, my past attachment figure, through any form of her social media pages, or the people in her immediate circle, and through my texting her. 

Just for reference, the longest I have ever spent without contacting her is about 2 months, and the longest i’ve ever spent without viewing her stuff whether we were talking or not talking was idk lol, but probably not long maybe 1 month. 

So these past 22 days have been interesting but also tremendously healing. I wrote about when I decided to just follow her sites because not doing it was pointless for me because I felt nothing wrong with it besides fear she’d think bad of me, and I wanted to finally put what I need first. However, 22 days ago I woke up with the same urge to check in on her because I felt like I was losing my connection to her. And then for no other reason besides time, I finally voiced to myself that she is gone, and ALL parts of me finally HEARD it, and PROCESSED it. 

I downloaded Quit that, an app to track how long I have quit something, prayed to God to be my accountability partner, and started my journey to “quitting” Artemis. 

This time feels very different and more real because it’s for me whereas before I felt I had no choice. When I went those two months before, I did it through a whole lot of numbing and distractions because I wasn’t ready to let go of her then, I didn’t understand why, I didn’t agree that it was what was best, and I had a lot of fight left in me to fill my void with her. 

Now though, almost every 2 days is a struggle and about once a week for the past three weeks there was a day where the temptation was super strong to look at her page. I have not even seen the website that she said she was launching!!!! So it really feels like her life is moving on without me. But struggling through that has been helping me heal and process, and most importantly, LOVE. Because when I feel the urge to look. 

1) I get to reason through that I am doing this to feel connected to her, and keep her alive in my head. From there all parts of me get reminded that she is gone and we don’t want the pain of resuscitating her to have to face the fact that she’s gone….again. So these past 22 days have been a continuous stream of mourning that feels therapeutic and long overdue.

2) I have gained more love for myself and my worth, as well as my boundaries. Saying no to her has finally allowed me to say yes to me, and I think the result also has been that I need less of her, or anyone for that matter. 

Which brings me to the last part of this reflection, my relationship with Jupiter, my coworker that I started attaching to. Over the past 22 days I also notice that I have had zero interest in trying to pursue attachment behaviors with Jupiter. It’s like I recognize what I want, and have been choosing instead to wrestle with the fact that it’s impossible to gain with anyone. But also, mourning Artemis just also gives me the wake up call that if she couldn’t do it, no one can, because she tried hard to do it, and was and probably will be the only one to ever try something like that. So my brain is just like dude theres no point pursuing attachment behaviors, it don’t work.

In the end, Artemis holds a special place in my heart above the rest. Even my therapist finally admits that she was more to me then just an object. But I’m ok with learning to accept that she’s gone. But I still also ask God, that if He wills maybe we can meet again in another life, but only if He wills. Which I think, THINK, conveys that i’m not ready to 100% let go, but hey if so it’s only been 22 days 😉 

Between a Rock and a Hard Place

I am sad.
I am sad because I feel hopeless and defeated.
I feel hopeless and defeated because I don’t know how to continue with Jupiter.

Jupiter is my current coworker who I feel the same unhealthy attachment towards, as I have Artemis, and all the ones before her. My friends joke that I should stop leaving my house because clearly I have a radar that senses these people and that’s how I always manage to find them. But that’s besides the point.

I spoke to my therapist this week about how I just want to pull away from Jupiter completely because I am terrified of her hurting me one day. Lately, as my want for her has grown, I have found it harder to interact with her. I second guess everything I’m doing, and everything I say. I am so afraid of doing or saying something that may be unhealthy. The last time we were together we spent the first 15min in silence because I just didn’t know what to do. We’ve been on vacation for over a week and at the start of the break, I deleted her contact information from my phone so that I could not contact her at all. It’s the holidays and I felt like if I contact her then I would be ruining the holidays for her. Why do I feel that? I don’t know. Maybe because I always think so lowly of myself that I always fear that my presence is a contamination.

As school is about to open, and we are about to go back to work, I have been having dreams about us. Us being in the classroom, and her ignoring me, and me breaking down crying. Of course in reality we are perfectly fine on her end. She is not emotionally immature and so she is able to remember that I am real even after not seeing me or hearing from me in a week. Me on the other hand, I feel like I don’t even know who she is anymore.

I want her so much and I am ashamed. So what do I do when I know that following my heart will lead to an unhealthy abusive friendship, which will end with her leaving, but my brain doesn’t have the answer. I saw a Disney Short about the brain and the heart deciding where the man went. So if I have arrested my heart, and my brain is clueless, where can I go? I stay stuck.

If I just distance myself from her completely, after all she has shared with me, and the trust she has in me, she would feel hurt and betrayed. But if I stay and ruin it then I will feel rejected and abandoned.

God teach me how to be. I feel my insides shutting down. I am tired of hurting people, and I am tired of getting hurt. Teach me God how to get it right this time.

The Disney Short I was referring to!

A closer look into my break with my past attachment figure

If you have been following me then you have read my many posts about my last attachment figure, who I have taken to calling Artemis.

After many failed attempts to making our friendship work once she decided that she could be a friend but could no longer be in my life as an attachment figure, I asked her for a year long break back in March.

In March, the extent of my understanding was that I was too attached to her and behaved very unhealthily towards her. I figured that in a year apart from her, I should be able to lessen my attachment and thus be able to accept the new setup of our relationship.

About two weeks ago, I gained new understanding of what this break means, and I wanted to meditate on it before writing about it.

 

Shout out to my friends’ patience because they have been saying this since March, but it took me 8 months to understand and see.

In my mind, the goal of the break was that I would get healthy, that way when she comes back I will be able to emotionally handle our relationship without having the bad reactions that I use to have. After thinking about it two weeks ago, I realized that my goal was to essentially pick up where we left off, except I would be handling it better outwardly, even though inwardly I would still feel as hurt, abandoned, and alone as before.

Why would I want that.

Instead, the goal of the break should be to give myself the chance to find happiness outside of her and learn to live without her. The honest truth behind why this goal is hard for me hurts me, but I will say it nonetheless.

I am afraid that if I give myself the chance to experience life without her at the center of my actions and thoughts, then I will realize at the end of the break that I will be ok if we don’t resume a relationship. For as long as I love her like an object then I get to want her, need her, desire her, so strongly, with a passion that helps touch the always present emptiness inside of me. When she becomes a person, then I gain the freedom to say that despite the love that burns in my heart for her, our season of relationship is over.

I feel like I have a definition of love, colored with dependency. In order for me to feel loved, I need to feel like someone holds me in their thoughts and needs me. Similarly, I express love in that very stifling way, where I try to always be present and around.

So what do I do now?

I decided to start by actually following her on instagram. I visit her page all the time, the only difference is that now she knows that I am looking. I didn’t want her to know because I was trying to show her that I am less dependent so she could take me back. But now I know thats not the goal anymore. In the beginning, I needed to stay away from her page because seeing her with certain people, moving on, hurt me. Now it doesn’t. I literally just visit her page out of the compulsive need to feel close to her. Visiting the page is just a symptom of another deep problem. The symptom will always arise. Even when I stayed off for two months, at two months and a day I was back to obsessively visiting it. Therefore, I wanted to follow her, so I did. Whether secretly visiting, or visiting on and off, I still have to fix the underlying problem either way.

I will end this post by saying that I know that dependent love is not love. If I only feel ok about someone pursuing something for as long as it does not hurt me then that is not love. If I want someone to be somewhere, where they are not experiencing their full potential, but them leaving means I get inconvenienced, than it is not love if I don’t encourage them to leave.

I need to love myself by encouraging myself to go, to move on, to soar. I need to love myself by giving myself the chance to learn to love like God. It’s not about Artemis, it’s about me. It’s my fears, my needs, my issues. I will love Artemis, and every other “Artemis” that was or will be, as people, and not objects, when I love myself.

Goal Reflection #1

I have been super excited for Sunday. I could not wait to sit down and have the time to think about how I did on my goals and what new ones to set. So without further ado I am going to write how I did on each goal below the goal. If you want to know why I set each goal you can take a look at last week’s post Here.
Last Week Goals:

1. I will visit my last attachment figures (lets call her Artemis) social media page only four times this week.
-I visited her page five times this week which is still a SIGNIFICANT decrease from the amount of times I was visiting her page before my goal. This week, this goal helped me see just how often I was running to her page for comfort and coping. At the same time I miss her so much. But do I miss “Object Artemis” or “Artemis Artemis.” Definitely both. There are moments where I am eager to share a new hair product or talk to her about something I only feel comfortable speaking with her about. Then there are moments where the emptiness feels like it’s going to swallow me and I wish she were there to set up tent inside of her. This month is her birthday and I know that the best thing I can do is not wish her happy birthday. I think because I am still so confused, she will sense that and even that minor complication on her birthday is not ok. I don’t want her to have to think about if she should say thank you and what both saying it and not saying it will mean. She knows I know it’s her birthday and she knows I love her and thats enough.

2. I will let Jupiter lead our interactions this week by mostly only interacting with her after she interacts with me.
-Yea I failed at this goal at the beginning of the week. BUT BUT BUT something else amazing happened that I don’t know how to explain. On Monday and Tuesday I offered some options for Jupiter and I to hang together and she agreed but didn’t follow up with it. There are lots of reasons as to why that is, but the most important thing is that despite me knowing that, I still felt rejected and HURT. I had a very emotional therapy session on Wednesday as a result. And in that session I was learning how to accept when another person doesn’t want the same things out of a relationship that I do. How that doesn’t mean that the person doesn’t want me or doesn’t love and care about me. But that what I want from them they just are not in a position to give.

I don’t think I quite understand this yet. During session I was just super confused as to what that meant because if what I want is for us to be close friends and she doesn’t want that then that means she doesn’t want me. Session ended with my therapist informing me that I just don’t know what I want. The following two days though something happened in me that I have never experienced with an attachment figure. Jupiter was talking to me about some of her insecurities in a close friendship of hers and I was being a safe space for her to talk and sharing ideas on how she could make the best out of that close friendship. And it wasn’t until after that I realized WAIT. I just spent the past hour hearing her talk about her love for her other friend and their closeness and not once did I ever get jealous. Heck, not once did I ever cross my mind. It was like my only concern or care was her, and how she was feeling and at the end of it, I just went on with my workday.

I genuinely and sincerely just cared about her. And whatever friendship role I was playing it just felt natural and contentful. I didn’t feel the need to push for more, neither did I feel insecure that because she has all of that love for her friend, there is not enough love or care for me. She wasn’t an object that I needed to gain, but a person that I truly saw and care about. The joy in my heart at this realization is bursting from out of me!!! I, am naturally and organically forming a real healthy friendship with someone that I initially unhealthily bonded too. Me, I am doing that. And because of that, Thursday and Friday I didn’t need to be conscious of this goal and how to actively do that. I knew who I was in the friendship, where I belonged, and just lived my life in that confidence. Does this mean I will never have BPD related issues with Jupiter now, idk, but I know that there is hope that BPD does not have to control my relationships.

3. I will choose one coworker this week and take time getting to know them a bit better.
– I did this! It was awesome getting to know someone else and experiencing how not every friendship has to be close but that doesn’t necessarily mean it has to be superficial either.

This Weeks Goals:

1. I will visit Artemis Social Media Page only four times this week.
– I am keeping this goal because everything I wrote about last week concerning this goal still rings true. I am a lot more bonded to Artemis than any other attachment figure because for a period of time Artemis actually tried and succeeded at fulfilling the longings of my heart, though they are impossible to continuously fulfill. Nevertheless, it’s like with her I tasted how good life can be to have those needs met, and I struggle with deeply believing that it is not possible to get what I want, and I struggle with accepting that even if it were possible she will never want to be in my life in that capacity again. I gave myself to her more than I have ever given myself to anyone else and so forming a healthy bond to her is extremely hard and extremely painful because it feels like a lot of loss. In therapy I try not to talk about her often because there are other parts of my life that need healing, but when she does come up it’s one of the rare times my therapist sees me cry because the emotions that come with her are overwhelming.

So again, my head wants to have a healthy bond with her because it understands how much more satisfying healthy is. Parts of my heart want a healthy bond because it loves her as she is. But the part of my heart where that lil girl resides very much would still be throwing tantrums and acting out if I let her, at the thought of having Artemis in a capacity less than what she experienced and wants. So with Artemis the baby steps are very much impactful. And if I can start lessening the dependence through less interaction on her page, then I am doing good.

2. I will be in control of my happiness not people.
– With my recent victory concerning Jupiter. I have to be careful of not allowing my interactions with her determine if I am happy or sad. I am going to set the tone for the kind of day I want to have and operate out of that.

I’m only setting two goals this week and am excited to see what I learn from them!

Recognizing Growth

I feel like I forgot how to write because I have not written in so long. But hey, I miss my blog so I am going to just jump in.

With me not in school anymore I am now employed full time as an elementary school teacher in a charter school.

I work with one of my old attachment figures, Marigold. From the beginning Marigold and I established very strict boundaries that gave us assurance and safety regarding our interactions. As time goes on Marigold and I are slowly becoming as close as we once were, EXCEPT this time we are building a real, HEALTHY, friendship. It’s amazing the way my friendships flourish when a portion of my being is not attempting to create an impossible attachment with the other person.

With that being said though, I have written extensively about how my relationship with my last AF and how she is not currently in my life right now. So with her being unavailable, and with Marigold occupying a friend spot and not an attachment spot, guess what happened?

Exactly, the little girl in me quickly found someone new to occupy that attachment spot in her life and that is one of the other teachers at the school, Jupiter.

Now as anyone with BPD can guess, the last place you want your attachment problems to be manifesting itself is in your work place. But the things with these attachments is that they form quickly and you can’t help their formation. BUT you can help how you MANAGE it.

My therapist and I have been working extensively on managing this attachment. In addition to our meetings, we have phone calls, and I text her when I just literally forget all the right things I am supposed to be doing because I am so overwhelmed by all of the wrong desires.

This past week has been really difficult because I am beginning to simply feel maxed out emotionally. I am with this teacher Monday-Friday 8am-5pm, we are in the same room, she is an extremely nice and naturally close person, and so on top of all of the stress of just being a teacher, I am also every second of every day managing my raging emotions on the inside.

My attachment is growing, and this week, everyday everything triggered me. Seeing her laugh with someone else sent my insides on a frenzy. Now imagine how many friendships a genuinely nice, close person has, and the amounts of laughs or conversations she shares with them, on a daily basis. A lot. By Thursday after school I didn’t have the energy to make it to the bathroom to vent my emotions in tears or silent anger, so I went to Marigolds room and just collapsed on her floor in tears. It was just us two in there but while in there, we thought everyone had left, but two coworkers came in to ask us if we were heading out with them and saw me on the floor crying. Marigold just told them I was fine and we’d see them tomorrow. In a school where teachers quit as often as the rainfall from the stress and teachers breakdown all the time, they just probably assumed it was from work so no big deal.

This week I have had so much anger at Jupiter. Moments in the day i’d just be screaming in my head “I hate you, I hate you.” Did she do anything to deserve it? Nope. But I know by now, that I’m just feeling rejected because I am not her everything and the most special to her so it’s just the imagined rejection influencing such intense emotions in me.

BUT HERE IS THE GOOD NEWS!!

Jupiter has ZERO IDEA that I feel any of the emotions that I do towards her. Both the intensely good and bad. We are friends, and I think because of who I am, people just tend to naturally open up to me quickly, so I have quickly become one of her confidants and she remarked how she’s surprised by how quickly she opened up to me because though she has a lot of surface level friendships not many extend beyond that level.

No one in the school, except Marigold, knows anything about my BPD because I have gotten so much better at living with it. Even through the intense emotions with Jupiter I have my coping mechanisms that I do that look normal to everyone else, but helpful for me. All my work gets done on time. I give my students my best when I am teaching them. Even Marigold who knows everything, on Thursday told me she had no idea that I was struggling so much this week because of how fine and upbeat I looked.

I learned something very important this week. I learned what it means to have problems. Everyone has problems, but I looked at my mental health as an inconvenience that keeps me from getting to my life where I can start experiencing the “normal” problems. So this week in session my therapist mentioned:

Therapist: how much better I am getting and how once I let go of my last attachment figure (she unfortunately still holds a big portion of me) I will be that much closer to experiencing freedom.

Me: You are only saying that because you don’t see how much I am struggling because I am internalizing a lot of it.

Therapist: Sweety, that’s exactly the point. You are not internalizing you are self regulating, taking care of your own self emotionally without external help.

Me: *eyes opens wide in realization*

Therapist: You are not yelling at people, hurting yourself, throwing tantrums frequently. Even in our relationship I feel less cautious around you and less worried for you.

Me: But how am I getting better when I am still forming these attachments

Therapist: Sweety, unfortunately that’s not really something that goes away. Whatever happened to make you this way, happened and so it is in your personality to form those attachments. That is not what is going to change, it is how you handle them that will, and the power that you allow them to have over you.

Me: oh so the attachments don’t go away, I just am growing to control them.

Therapist: yup

I am now looking forward to this week and everyday as an opportunity for growth. I am a normal person with problems that I am managing like everyone else. I am not sick, I have a vivid brain! It is my job to care for myself. Even if I did not have mental health issues, I would still have things that require me caring for myself.

I am setting up goals for this week and I look forward to checking back in next Sunday to discuss how I did with my goals.

GOALS:

1. I will visit my last attachment figures social media page only four times this week.
-She still occupies a significant portion of me in an unhealthy way. Because she is not present in my life she has become an imaginary comfort object for me. Seeing her pictures comforts me because I am imagining her hugging me when I’m down. Talking to me when I am angry. She is not a person to me, but an object and the day has to come when I have to stop using people as objects for my sanity. She is a beautiful, loving, inspiring, extra, funny person and I love her enormously. I want to love her for her not for me. And also, if I can get myself to the point where I stop believing that she is capable of being an object then it will make it easier to also not let that belief flourish with other people. Because she tried everything to be what I wanted her to be and couldn’t because it’s impossible. I need to learn that, and reducing the frequency with which I use her images as comfort blankets, forces me to replace those moments with moments of me comforting myself.

2. I will let Jupiter lead our interactions this week by mostly only interacting with her after she interacts with me.
-This may seem unhealthy because it is not how natural friendships develop but this is not meant to be a long term habit. The purpose behind me doing this is that I have been on the lookout for “natural” ways to interact with her and thinking of “natural” conversations to have with her. Instead, I want to improve my ability to be content with where we are now instead of planning on how to create a closer friendship with her. I will instead be putting my attention on my work and not on her. Basically this goal is about learning how to shift my focus at WORK from her to THE WORK. LOL!

3. I will choose one coworker this week and take time getting to know them a bit better.
– Again this goal is about easing up on the habit of only caring and focusing on one person and instead learning how to actively care and attach to a variety of people with a variety of depth to each attachment.

This was a super long post. When I created this blog it was for me and I never expected anyone to read it. I have gained some followers along the way and I just wanted to say that I appreciate you reading and I hope that me talking through some of the things I have learned and am learning can also help you!

Enjoy your Sunday!!

Things I am Learning

1. While healing there is going to be pain, but absolutely no one is responsible for alleviating the pain. The pain is part of the process and learning how to carry it fosters growth. There is also a tremendous amount of inner beauty felt when another day goes by and you have carried the pain gracefully, and in a way that makes you proud. 

2. Forgiving yourself for the times you didn’t know how to carry the pain is crucial. The people affected by those moments are entitled to their thoughts of you, and have the right to resent, dislike, and not forgive you. All you can do is sincerely apologize and release the guilt. Guilt won’t help either of you, and you have the right to change and move on. 

3. Boundaries are SUPER important. They really do keep both parties safe. Create boundaries, and ALWAYS respect the boundaries of others, no matter how close you feel you are. We are all separate people. SB: I think with the fall of man came the imperfect union of “being one flesh.” Yet we’re still created with that hole, maybe God is the only one we can enmesh ourselves with to fill it. So respect the boundaries as time, patience, love, naturally renogotiates those boundaries, not your forcing it. 

4. Your mom has boundaries too that also need to be respected. 

5. Cry a lot when no one can hear you or see you. Crying breaks the heart of those who care about you. It’s ok to cry in front of people and sometimes ask help from people to help carry the pain even if for a minute. But when time and personal growth is the last remedy to the pain, cry the tears that are always threatening to fall, and create joyful memories with all the ones around you who care about you. 

6. Don’t make people pay for others mistakes.

7. Lastly, be ok in the in between of no longer wanting to die, but not yet knowing how to live. As you can see, you got to the point where Suicide stopped being an answer so more growth awaits if you just stick it out. And when suicide does fleetingly pass, breathe, your hurting and your body is telling you it needs you, listen. 

Accepting The Past’s Trauma for a Better Tomorrow

Yesterday I woke up knowing it would be a hard day. After work I found my strength wavering and tears falling as I rode the train home and texted a friend to ask for 45 undivided minutes because I felt a surge of things needing to be poured out. Immediately she called, she didn’t know I was crying or that I was feeling so low, but i’m thankful for friends that don’t need for me to be dying in order to be present. I sat in a park and poured my heart out, mostly in tears, explaining that I just don’t understand why a part of me can’t let go. I wake up every day and do what i’m suppose too, but I always feel like i’m just living to push through instead of actually living, which always leaves me questioning what’s the point.
At the end of our talk, I realized and decided that if I want to see even more improvement then I need to push myself to do even more than just the bare minimum. Living for the minimum is empty and I will always feel purposeless, so I need to push myself to do more, and I left the park determined to do so. 

Then just like that I stumbled upon a picture of the person i’ve been actively avoiding on my instagram explore page. A rush of pain just consumed me. My stomach went numb and I could feel the tingling. My legs began shaking uncontrollably. Alligator tears were just falling unprovoked. My mind felt like it was drowning and the only thoughts coming to the surface were, hurt yourself. Before, these thoughts were immediately acted upon before I even had time to register what was happening. However, I have grown better through continued therapy, so I texted my therapist and did the best thing I knew to calm me while I waited for her to call me, I rocked as I sung “Jesus be the center of my life.” As I waited, God was with me reminding me that we are a team, that I just have to ride it out, keep breathing, keep rocking, keep circling the scrunchie through my hands (repetitive motions are extremely comforting for me idk why). 

My therapist called and my main question was why does seeing her with people she loves instantaneously drive me to this point? And she eloquently and accurately explained to me that simply put it makes me feel rejected, abandoned, and betrayed. I see her with all this love that she can dole out to others and feel betrayed that none of that love can be doled out to me anymore. Then she continued to say that, “whether you agree or not, you were traumatized and you just never built any tolerance to handling abandonment, or rejection in that form. The tolerance is just not there sweetie, and wanting it to not be so won’t change it.”

I calmed and this got me thinking about trauma. Out of I guess pride and desire to always NOT be a statistic, I NEVER allowed myself to believe that my dad’s passing affected me. I thought it shameful and disgusting to call myself traumatized when people experience “real” traumas daily. But what if the shameful and disgusting thing is my pride that keeps me from accepting this reality as my own? That i’m not as resilient or strong or better than the “statistics.” 

In an effort to do things differently in order to begin to see different results, I am going to accept the reality that I experienced something that I never understood or learned to process, and that is why I can’t understand or process it now. If any of the nine year olds I work with experienced what I did, I would immediately feel heartbroken for them out of sheer intuitive understanding that a loss like that is devastating. I watch my kids, especially the girls, run to their fathers during dismissal. I listen as they recount stories of where their dad brought them for their birthday, or the gifts they bring back from traveling. Now that I think about it they don’t talk about their moms. I know the occupations of some of their fathers through the awe insipred retelling of a child. And when they run to their dad, I think, that was me. 

My memories are all but obliterated of me and my dad. Up until recently i thought i barely knew the man. But thats trauma. My sisters and mother tell me about how he was the only person I was close to. The only one I wanted to spend time with. The only one i’d eat dinner with, and sometimes I think I feel certain memories coming back. 

But they must be right because the memory that never goes away was how on August 17th we had a bbq and I was sitting at my dads feet waiting for him to give me the rest of his champagne cola. My mother was telling me to let him drink and get another one but I ignored her, patiently waiting for the drink that always came. Then on August 18th I stood and watched him struggle to breathe. Front row and center, everyone panicking too much to notice I was there and maybe remove me. He struggled and struggled as my mom tried to get the asthma machine down his throat. He was making noises and grabbing at his throat, he began to defecate himself, and I just stood there glued to the ground. Slowly his color changed, and then supported by my mom his lifeless body fell off the chair to the ground. He layed there until the morgue people came, zipped him in his black bag then took him away. I next saw him in the open casket in his suit and tie, then finally sealed away in his tomb. 

I can’t conjure up feelings where they don’t exist. I didn’t mourn then and i’m not mourning now. I simply exist with this as my reality. But it’s a reality that I have to give its credit for who I am now if I have any hope of a different future. Maybe just maybe my therapist is right, “My psyche finds strangers to turn into surrogate parents, knowing they will fail, to recreate the trauma and allow me to mourn safely.” I’m not a therapist, I don’t know why the heck a psyche would want to recreate trauma, but looking over the course of my life it looks like thats been my ONLY purpose in life, recreating trauma. Heaping impossible demands on people so they can fail and I can try to “fix it” so that they don’t fail and they don’t leave, because I couldn’t fix what happened when i was nine. But they always fail. 

I hope that by accepting this my psyche can start to heal. 

Seeing God in Chips

  
I love CHIPS! I never really had a sweet tooth so I overcompensated with a “salty tooth?” Yea, lets go with that. Anyone who knows me knows my room is never without chips. 

This picture was taken in the month after my attachment figure left. The month of her departure, when I did eat, all I ate were chips. 

For quite sometime after I took this picture, I would look at it with regret. I wished I placed the whole “heart chip” on top and the empty one on the bottom. I wanted it to be in that order because I wanted it to represent what I felt my a.f. did to my heart, how she came and broke it. 

I forgot about this picture until just now as I was looking through my pictures and came across it. I remembered my initial regret and smiled because the picture was perfect. 

My a.f. caused me a great deal of pain. Pain I fear ever experiencing again. However, that hole in the center of my heart was there before she came into the picture. My heart has been learning to heal, not with the help of human hands, but with the hand of God. The order of the picture is perfect. My heart has been broken, now God will fill it. I believe that even when I don’t feel His presence, I know that sometimes the only reason I am up is because God gave me the strength. He sticks his firm, yet gentle fist right in the center of my crumbling heart and lifts me up. 

Only He can complete the center of my chip, the center of my heart.