Why Make Idols?

I am posing this question to everyone who comes across this post. Please do not be afraid to post your thoughts in the comments. All responses are welcome. 

Why do we make idols, especially after God has proven himself to be God? The Israelities were a people who miracle after miracle created idola after idol. Why? 

I am meditating on this question and will post a response whenever I have an answer. 

In the meantime, share with me what is on your mind concerning this! 

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Joy of the Lord

I have been out of the country and blogging on my phone so I apologize in advance if I don’t include the verses and rather just reference them. 

I think it’s safe to say that 1 Samuel is my favorite book of the bible. No matter how many times I read it, when I feel like I need God the most, it’s the book I turn to. 

With that I was reading 1 Samuel chapter two and it starts with Hannah praising God and giving all of these thanks to Him. And in her praise she mentions in sum that those who were full, will be in want, and those who had need will be full. It is a theme that I have read multiple times in different places in the bible. 

Today I paused on it. It bothered me because I always only saw it in a vengeance sense. That God will strip people of their things. And it was said in such a way that it was a cause for rejoicing. Like “yes God! It’s their time to experience poverty and my time to be rich!” 

But God drew my attention to the first part of Hannah’s praise, “my heart rejoiceth in the Lord.” And I thought about what if what God is actually trying to convey is the reality that our circumstances, no matter what they may be, are fleeting. One day we can be full and the next we can be hungry. The message, though yes if we want, we can apply it to our enemies, we should apply it to ourselves. Lose the habit of worrying about outward things, and what happens to our enemies and focus instead on how to grow in God. 

God wanted ME to know about ME that whether I am full or in need, let my heart rejoice in Him. 

And as many of you know, I struggle a lot with mental health, but we all experience highs and lows so what God shared with me can apply to everyone. And God just reached into my heart and held it and said, “I remember when this first happened you were so happy and you had so much energy and light, and I loved it. But now that it is seemingly gone, don’t focus on how to change the circumstance to get that happiness back. No. Focus on me to get joy. Joy so that no matter what changes happen in your life, your heart can still rejoice, you can still have my light.” 

I want joy. I need joy. May the joy of the Lord be my strength. 

Peace with Pain: Going Through Process

While meditating with God today He said something very striking. We spoke about the concept of choice. 

I reasoned that I feel like in certain things I don’t have an actual choice because choosing them means choosing a lack of peace. In which case, obviously I will not choose the option that doesn’t give me peace. Who would? He argued back that I technically have. I have chosen the unpeaceful route over and over again and I may choose it again tomorrow. 

Hmmmm….that is true. But I rebutted with thats because choosing God doesn’t give me peace either. And He responded with, “no, you have peace, you just also have pain.” 

I expect that Gods route means Him taking away all that is unpleasant. Process is process. There is no shortcut around the fire. God never said there wouldn’t be pain. 

Can you stand in pain, having peace that He who said He loves you, still loves you even though it still hurts? 

Between a Rock and a Hard Place

I am sad.
I am sad because I feel hopeless and defeated.
I feel hopeless and defeated because I don’t know how to continue with Jupiter.

Jupiter is my current coworker who I feel the same unhealthy attachment towards, as I have Artemis, and all the ones before her. My friends joke that I should stop leaving my house because clearly I have a radar that senses these people and that’s how I always manage to find them. But that’s besides the point.

I spoke to my therapist this week about how I just want to pull away from Jupiter completely because I am terrified of her hurting me one day. Lately, as my want for her has grown, I have found it harder to interact with her. I second guess everything I’m doing, and everything I say. I am so afraid of doing or saying something that may be unhealthy. The last time we were together we spent the first 15min in silence because I just didn’t know what to do. We’ve been on vacation for over a week and at the start of the break, I deleted her contact information from my phone so that I could not contact her at all. It’s the holidays and I felt like if I contact her then I would be ruining the holidays for her. Why do I feel that? I don’t know. Maybe because I always think so lowly of myself that I always fear that my presence is a contamination.

As school is about to open, and we are about to go back to work, I have been having dreams about us. Us being in the classroom, and her ignoring me, and me breaking down crying. Of course in reality we are perfectly fine on her end. She is not emotionally immature and so she is able to remember that I am real even after not seeing me or hearing from me in a week. Me on the other hand, I feel like I don’t even know who she is anymore.

I want her so much and I am ashamed. So what do I do when I know that following my heart will lead to an unhealthy abusive friendship, which will end with her leaving, but my brain doesn’t have the answer. I saw a Disney Short about the brain and the heart deciding where the man went. So if I have arrested my heart, and my brain is clueless, where can I go? I stay stuck.

If I just distance myself from her completely, after all she has shared with me, and the trust she has in me, she would feel hurt and betrayed. But if I stay and ruin it then I will feel rejected and abandoned.

God teach me how to be. I feel my insides shutting down. I am tired of hurting people, and I am tired of getting hurt. Teach me God how to get it right this time.

The Disney Short I was referring to!

Seeing Leah in Me: Final Installment

I’m back for the last installment in the Seeing myself in Leah series. For Part 1 click here and part two here.

I ended Part one with a quote that says “Sometimes, you choose the one that doesn’t want to be chosen – the one that can’t (or won’t) choose you back.”

cant choose back

This was Leah. She was not as pretty in Jacob’s eyes and Jacob spent 14 years attempting to secure Rachel as his wife. By no fault of Jacobs, he rejected Leah as his wife because he never signed up to be her husband. Leah wanted him to choose her though he had already chosen Rachel. Genesis 29 reads:

31 When the Lord saw that Jacob loved Rachel more than Leah, he made it possible for Leah to have children, but not Rachel. 32 Leah became pregnant and gave birth to a son. She named him Reuben, because she said, “The Lord has seen my troubles. Surely now my husband will love me.”

33 Leah became pregnant again and gave birth to another son. She named him Simeon and said, “The Lord has heard that I am not loved, so he has given me this son.”

34 Leah became pregnant again and gave birth to another son. She named him Leviand said, “Now, surely my husband will be close to me, because I have given him three sons.”

35 Then Leah gave birth to another son. She named him Judah, because she said, “Now I will praise the Lord.” Then Leah stopped having children.

If we were to use the least amount of time possible and say that Leah were to get pregnant consecutively then 9*4=36 months about 3 years. In reality she probably had more rest time between babies so I’d say that Leah spent about 4 years hoping for Jacob to see her, be close to her, and love her. She wanted to be chosen too. The status and worth of a woman at the time  weighed heavy on their ability to find a spouse and produce children. Her father had to trick her sisters suitor into marrying her and then he still neglected her even after bearing him male sons that would carry on his name.

With each baby came the hope that Jacob would love her, until finally she came to the end of herself and praised God with no strings attached. She praised God for God and not because she felt He was bringing her closer to what her heart wanted.

I see myself in Leah because my heart yearns to be chosen too. Life brought people into my life who became for me what they never sought out to be. So they grew closer to me thinking they were going to be my brother in law, my mentor, or my friend, then woke up the next morning and realized they were my lover, my savior, and my mom and they don’t know how they got to be there. These roles become cemented and I want them to accept the role and be what they never wanted to be because I want it. I begin to give everything that I think would make them love me and want to be close to me, to only come out feeling empty and rejected. But how can you really reject what you never sought after. Jacob probably did not reject Leah as a person, he rejected her as his wife. It still hurts either way but what do you do? Pursue them endlessly or turn your attention towards the One who chose you, who hears you, and who wants you.

With the birth of Judah, Leah turned her attention to God. This was the child that she finally praised with. And this is the child that God chose to have His Son, Jesus, descend from.

What do I continue to learn from Leah? I learn how to be human. She was content with Judah for a while until Rachel began using her maids to have children. When Leah attempted to engage in this competition with her sister her womb was shut and she had to use her maids as well. God did not allow her to engage in this petty competition for a mans heart that would never be hers. To the day Jacob died we don’t hear or see any account of him ever loving Leah the way she sought. In fact, he favored Rachel’s son’s above all the children that Leah ever bore him.

Wouldn’t it be comforting to read that God eventually gave Jacob a heart to love Leah the way she desired to be loved. That doesn’t happen. Leah eventually stopped seeking love and affection and comforted herself with gaining his respect and security as the mother of his six sons. Genesis 30: 19 Then Leah became pregnant again and gave birth to a sixth son for Jacob. 20 She named him Zebulun, for she said, “God has given me a good reward. Now my husband will treat me with respect, for I have given him six sons.” Jacob buried Leah in the burial place of his ancestors, the place where he requested to be buried. So did he ever love her in that way? We don’t know, but he most likely did respect her.

I am human. I desire to be chosen by people who can’t choose me. I turn my eyes to God for a moment but then lose focus on God and attempt to chase the heart of man, only to find that Gods blessings departed from me, and the peace I once had, I don’t have anymore. But I learn, and though I may still have the desires, I turn my eyes towards reality and the Truth, then serve God above my passions and one day God will reward me far above my expectations.

Frown Turned Upside Down

DISCLAIMER: I needed to talk and this post starts off a bit sad because thats what I needed to talk about, and didn’t want anyone to read on just in case you didn’t want to go through the sad on this holiday, but as I continued writing my mood did turn around and ended up being hopeful!

I know that today is Thanksgiving and that I am supposed to be celebrating but that’s not my truth.

I am grateful for a lot and i thank God every chance I get at the realization of how blessed of a person I am.

But this morning as I pray for strength to make it through another day again I can’t help but break down at the thought of my reality.

It’s been over a year since I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder, and since then I have improved at maintaining a stable existence despite my symptoms. But today I realized that I want to be more than stable, I want to be joyous.

I made an apple pie yesterday for the first time and I was so proud and so happy and so excited for my family to taste it today. And yet, at night I found myself crying myself to sleep again. But thats been usual for me. I cry when I wake up and when I go to sleep because those are the moments I sit down with God and pray and vent out the pain in my heart, this way I still give it it’s time, and I don’t allow it to take over my whole day and prevent me from functioning.

But this morning when I woke up with the same physical pain in my chest from anxiety and depression I just started begging God why. And I know i’m not supposed to do that because thats how pain turns into suffering. Pain isn’t an option, suffering is. But I just wanted to wake up and start making my Pumpkin cream-cheese pie. I wanted to be happy today. But I woke up with the same lack of desire to live and physical ache in my chest, and self mutilitation urges and I’m tired. This month will make it 5 months since my last menstrual period because my body is just under constant stress, my hair is falling out, and i’m just always so fatigued.

I never understood how depression could be debilitating, because I experienced the debilitating effects of major depressive episodes (theres a distinction between major depressive episodes, and major depressive disorder. Episodes are what people usually think of when you hear depression, and they last about 2 weeks. Major Depressive Disorder is categorized by having had 2 or more episodes with at least 2 months symptom free in between.) But though depression may feel more manageable than an episode, overtime the constant prolonged sadness weighs on you. Then throw in the persistent emptiness of BPD, and mood swings from rage to elatedness, to despair in the course of an hour, then the feeling of dissociation when you’re alone and not practicing mindfulness, and today is the day where I woke up and started suffering because I just wanted to make pumpkin cream-cheese pie for my family not balance emotions and suicidal thoughts.

However, after writing this post I am able to again choose to just feel pain and not suffer. I needed to talk but didn’t want to call my friends because it’s Thanksgiving and I don’t want to have this convo with them, though they hate it when I don’t call them when I need to, but the same way they love me and want to protect me, I love them and want to bring more joy into their lives than I do worry over my health, and because they love me they will worry.

I’m done questioning God today. He gives me enough strength to make it through each day and (and my neice just walked in at the end of the water works 🙂 Thank God! I love his timing!!) I will continue to seek Him daily, because though my lot gets heavy at times, He always steps in and helps me carry it, and that’s why I’m still here. Everyone has their lot and I am so very thankful that He desires to stay near me in mines and works to get me to learn what it feels like to be loved by Him when I’m too damaged to understand.

Seeing God in Chips

  
I love CHIPS! I never really had a sweet tooth so I overcompensated with a “salty tooth?” Yea, lets go with that. Anyone who knows me knows my room is never without chips. 

This picture was taken in the month after my attachment figure left. The month of her departure, when I did eat, all I ate were chips. 

For quite sometime after I took this picture, I would look at it with regret. I wished I placed the whole “heart chip” on top and the empty one on the bottom. I wanted it to be in that order because I wanted it to represent what I felt my a.f. did to my heart, how she came and broke it. 

I forgot about this picture until just now as I was looking through my pictures and came across it. I remembered my initial regret and smiled because the picture was perfect. 

My a.f. caused me a great deal of pain. Pain I fear ever experiencing again. However, that hole in the center of my heart was there before she came into the picture. My heart has been learning to heal, not with the help of human hands, but with the hand of God. The order of the picture is perfect. My heart has been broken, now God will fill it. I believe that even when I don’t feel His presence, I know that sometimes the only reason I am up is because God gave me the strength. He sticks his firm, yet gentle fist right in the center of my crumbling heart and lifts me up. 

Only He can complete the center of my chip, the center of my heart.