I Thank God

I have been thinking a lot about how I want to approach all of the emotions that have been bubbling inside of me over the last couple of days. As I rode the bus this morning, I realized that I just want to thank God. 
I have been in a lot of emotional pain. It hurts so much all the time, and I will be honest in saying that it is pain that I am use too. However, I think sometimes I just want to be pain free and so desiring that, makes me more aware of my emotions and thus causes me more suffering. 

It has been hard for me to get up. So I get to work an hour early because I know I need time to mentally prepare myself and create a game plan on how I am going to get through the day. Jupiter, my co worker, is an immense trigger. Just by her existing, and by me having this hunger for someone to fill my void, and the little girl inside of me now having chose her, makes her a trigger. So because I am around her all the time, I am hyperaware of the hunger inside of me, and am extra vigilant about controlling myself. And we have an awesome friendship, and I will give myself credit that I am doing amazing. I love our friendship, and so am mindful that even if apart of me feels like it’s not enough, nothing will ever be enough for that part, and to always be aware of not allowing that part to be in control.

So I get to work an hour early, sometimes I cry, sometimes I find creative ways to get out my anger. And once I have my emotions at bay, I check myself. I check my desires, my mannerisms, my unspoken attitude and gestures, ensuring that I am in no way protruding a sense of discontentment or need towards her. I do not talk to her either for this hour because I know I am not yet in a place where the adult me is in full control and if I speak from a child place then I may not be able to reel it in. 
I do this everyday. 

But here is the thing….

I DO IT everyday. It is getting done. I am slowly but assuredly coming to the acceptance that this is me. I have an emotional disorder, I am intense, I feel either everything too much, or everything too little. I hyper-attach to people in very unhealthy and enmeshed ways. But I am living with me, and I am even beginning to like and one day love certain parts of me. 

So I thank God because He is allowing me to be able to do it. By Thursday I am so emotionally worn that I tell myself that I am going to put on a movie for my students because I do not have the energy or mental capacity to teach. But then I see my kids, and God and ONLY GOD restores me and touches my heart in a deep place. I walk in thinking I am going to put on a movie, and staring at their expectant faces, I teach, and I teach with all of me. I give them all of me from places I did not even know I had. To my advanced kids, I check in on them and stand back in amazement as I beam in pride knowing that it was together that we did that. Together we pushed their minds further and they are excelling. To my struggling kids, I stoop down and take deep breaths as I patiently, with a patience that surprises me, come up with different ways to possibly help them understand what they have been trying so hard to get. Never giving up, even when I joke and say I will. 

I thank God for my favorite students who give the best hugs I could ever ask for on some of my worst days. 

I thank God for Jupiter who so lovingly lets me be me. I thank God that Jupiter is not afraid of me, that she knows how to set good boundaries, and how to keep us safe without even knowing that she is doing so.

I thank God for my therapist who helps me decode all of these interactions, and helps me understand boundaries. How “normal” people pace their relationships, and how when I feel I hit a boundary, it is not meant for me to push, or feel rejected by, but to respect and love that I am loved enough to not be treated with caution gloves but to be believed in and treat me normally. 

And I thank God for the chance to know Artemis, to experience love from such a deep place. There was a time when loving her hurt. But loving her now makes me always aware of my capacity to love. I love her so deeply and I pray for her earnestly to thrive, and grow, and experience love and friendship, and wholeness. 

There are a lot of things that I don’t like and that I regret but I thank God for the strength, support, and opportunities to change. 

Word of the Year

I stopped making new year resolutions a while ago. Instead, I have taken to finding a word that I want to committ myself to for the year. The goal is that throughout the year the word will help keep me oriented and centered. When I begin to lose direction, or a sense of purpose I will think about my word and it will redirect me.

First year my word was endurance. It was the beginning of my mental health journey. I had not started treatment until about 9 months into the year. So whilst I was still unaware of my depression and my BPD, all I knew was that I was weak and that I needed  that word to keep me going. I had no idea what was plaguing me, but I knew I just needed to endure.

The second year my word was study. After finally being diagnosed the year before. I wanted to study myself, study my actions, and study my bible. That year was a year of self awareness for me. 

Last year….well….. 2016 started off with anger like I have never experienced before. 2015 ended with me storming out of one of my sisters house, walking the 2 hr walk from her house home, in the winter, with no coat. Then wanting to die of hypothermia, so sitting on the roof of my building while people called me worried about where I was. Then 2016 started with me telling my other sister about how I felt and her hanging up on me. And me smashing my practically mew phone against the wall. Then texting her from my moms phone that I hate her and that I hope she dies. So the first half of 2016 was characterized by so much anger and just lostness that a word of the year slipped my mind. And if it didn’t, well I sure don’t remember it so it doesn’t matter. 

My word for 2017 is Love. No one will ever reach a point of perfect love, the way we define perfect. But I hope to strive for a mature love. Love for myself, love for my friends, and love for my family. May Love shine through me this year. 

“You must love in such a way that the other person feels free.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

A closer look into my break with my past attachment figure

If you have been following me then you have read my many posts about my last attachment figure, who I have taken to calling Artemis.

After many failed attempts to making our friendship work once she decided that she could be a friend but could no longer be in my life as an attachment figure, I asked her for a year long break back in March.

In March, the extent of my understanding was that I was too attached to her and behaved very unhealthily towards her. I figured that in a year apart from her, I should be able to lessen my attachment and thus be able to accept the new setup of our relationship.

About two weeks ago, I gained new understanding of what this break means, and I wanted to meditate on it before writing about it.

 

Shout out to my friends’ patience because they have been saying this since March, but it took me 8 months to understand and see.

In my mind, the goal of the break was that I would get healthy, that way when she comes back I will be able to emotionally handle our relationship without having the bad reactions that I use to have. After thinking about it two weeks ago, I realized that my goal was to essentially pick up where we left off, except I would be handling it better outwardly, even though inwardly I would still feel as hurt, abandoned, and alone as before.

Why would I want that.

Instead, the goal of the break should be to give myself the chance to find happiness outside of her and learn to live without her. The honest truth behind why this goal is hard for me hurts me, but I will say it nonetheless.

I am afraid that if I give myself the chance to experience life without her at the center of my actions and thoughts, then I will realize at the end of the break that I will be ok if we don’t resume a relationship. For as long as I love her like an object then I get to want her, need her, desire her, so strongly, with a passion that helps touch the always present emptiness inside of me. When she becomes a person, then I gain the freedom to say that despite the love that burns in my heart for her, our season of relationship is over.

I feel like I have a definition of love, colored with dependency. In order for me to feel loved, I need to feel like someone holds me in their thoughts and needs me. Similarly, I express love in that very stifling way, where I try to always be present and around.

So what do I do now?

I decided to start by actually following her on instagram. I visit her page all the time, the only difference is that now she knows that I am looking. I didn’t want her to know because I was trying to show her that I am less dependent so she could take me back. But now I know thats not the goal anymore. In the beginning, I needed to stay away from her page because seeing her with certain people, moving on, hurt me. Now it doesn’t. I literally just visit her page out of the compulsive need to feel close to her. Visiting the page is just a symptom of another deep problem. The symptom will always arise. Even when I stayed off for two months, at two months and a day I was back to obsessively visiting it. Therefore, I wanted to follow her, so I did. Whether secretly visiting, or visiting on and off, I still have to fix the underlying problem either way.

I will end this post by saying that I know that dependent love is not love. If I only feel ok about someone pursuing something for as long as it does not hurt me then that is not love. If I want someone to be somewhere, where they are not experiencing their full potential, but them leaving means I get inconvenienced, than it is not love if I don’t encourage them to leave.

I need to love myself by encouraging myself to go, to move on, to soar. I need to love myself by giving myself the chance to learn to love like God. It’s not about Artemis, it’s about me. It’s my fears, my needs, my issues. I will love Artemis, and every other “Artemis” that was or will be, as people, and not objects, when I love myself.

God’s Love

I was laying here having one of my daily bouts with God, where I’m in Him, and running away at the same time. It feels like I am in a storm of God’s love. No matter where I go, no matter what I do, I still find myself crashing about in this safe haven of God’s love. It actually feels like a storm crashing over me. 

Having that thought reminded me of a song I fell in love with about a year ago. This is why worship is so much more than a song, when you understand and internalize the words you are singing to God, it takes you to a whole other level.

I’m caught in a sea of love that I don’t know how to navigate. My own streams of confusion, guilt, anger, sadness, tiredness, all just gets washed away in His sea, when I don’t want them to. The world around me is in chaos. People are starving, dying, crying, hoping for something more, or tired of hoping altogether, and I don’t know how to process any of it. I don’t know how to navigate this sea of love when there is a broken and dying world. 

Surfing the waves of God’s grace and mercy means having the vantage point of seeing all the places in need of God. But drowning under the covering of His love does not feel comfortable for long. Eventually, I swallow so much of His heart that I can’t be content hiding when the world needs me to be whatever God has purposed me to be….for such a time as this. 

For such a time as this, God gave us some likeness of Him to be that part of Him in the world. I’m not perfect. I don’t have to be. I don’t have to have every aspect of my life perfectly aligned with God’s will before I serve. I know that now. I have to be a good steward over that which God has entrusted to me. He could’ve given it to anyone else, but He chose me. And when He comes back I want to be able to give him a multiple of the talents He gave me. 

Matthew 25:14-30English Standard Version (ESV)

The Parable of the Talents

14 “For it will be like a man going on a journey, who called his servants[a] and entrusted to them his property. 15 To one he gave five talents,[b] to another two, to another one, to each according to his ability. Then he went away. 16 He who had received the five talents went at once and traded with them, and he made five talents more. 17 So also he who had the two talents made two talents more. 18 But he who had received the one talent went and dug in the ground and hid his master’s money. 19 Now after a long time the master of those servants came and settled accounts with them. 20 And he who had received the five talents came forward, bringing five talents more, saying, ‘Master, you delivered to me five talents; here I have made five talents more.’ 21 His master said to him, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant.[c] You have been faithful over a little; I will set you over much. Enter into the joy of your master.’ 22 And he also who had the two talents came forward, saying, ‘Master, you delivered to me two talents; here I have made two talents more.’ 23 His master said to him, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant. You have been faithful over a little; I will set you over much. Enter into the joy of your master.’ 24 He also who had received the one talent came forward, saying, ‘Master, I knew you to be a hard man, reaping where you did not sow, and gathering where you scattered no seed, 25 so I was afraid, and I went and hid your talent in the ground. Here you have what is yours.’ 26 But his master answered him, ‘You wicked and slothful servant! You knew that I reap where I have not sown and gather where I scattered no seed? 27 Then you ought to have invested my money with the bankers, and at my coming I should have received what was my own with interest.

I Don’t Want to do This Anymore

I don’t want to do this anymore…..
I don’t want to look at pictures of myself and hate what I see because I feel i’m just not good enough for you to stay with me.
I don’t want to see you moving on and feel so low because I wasn’t valuable enough to be kept on the ride.
I don’t want to feel pain when I see you with your friends and family because I was just a temporary mistake that you mistakenly called sister, friend, daughter.
I don’t want to open my bible pretending that the words I read touch even the rim of the unwontedness and valuelessness that I feel.
I don’t want to search and find a power inside of me that will allow me to reject the rejector.
I don’t want to do any of those things because I want you.
I want to continue being excited to share with you important, silly, or even mundane news without the wake up call that, wait, we are no more.
I want to talk about the things I am proud of you for without feeling achy that it doesn’t matter.
I want to love you in a relationship with you, not love you by respecting your desire to be distant from me. 
I don’t want to know that sorry just isn’t enough for you to try with me anymore. 
I don’t want to do this anymore….
I don’t want to push past knowing that truly, I just am not enough for you to try with me anymore. 
I guess, between the lines of it all, I am really just saying that I don’t want to be strong anymore.