Joy of the Lord

I have been out of the country and blogging on my phone so I apologize in advance if I don’t include the verses and rather just reference them. 

I think it’s safe to say that 1 Samuel is my favorite book of the bible. No matter how many times I read it, when I feel like I need God the most, it’s the book I turn to. 

With that I was reading 1 Samuel chapter two and it starts with Hannah praising God and giving all of these thanks to Him. And in her praise she mentions in sum that those who were full, will be in want, and those who had need will be full. It is a theme that I have read multiple times in different places in the bible. 

Today I paused on it. It bothered me because I always only saw it in a vengeance sense. That God will strip people of their things. And it was said in such a way that it was a cause for rejoicing. Like “yes God! It’s their time to experience poverty and my time to be rich!” 

But God drew my attention to the first part of Hannah’s praise, “my heart rejoiceth in the Lord.” And I thought about what if what God is actually trying to convey is the reality that our circumstances, no matter what they may be, are fleeting. One day we can be full and the next we can be hungry. The message, though yes if we want, we can apply it to our enemies, we should apply it to ourselves. Lose the habit of worrying about outward things, and what happens to our enemies and focus instead on how to grow in God. 

God wanted ME to know about ME that whether I am full or in need, let my heart rejoice in Him. 

And as many of you know, I struggle a lot with mental health, but we all experience highs and lows so what God shared with me can apply to everyone. And God just reached into my heart and held it and said, “I remember when this first happened you were so happy and you had so much energy and light, and I loved it. But now that it is seemingly gone, don’t focus on how to change the circumstance to get that happiness back. No. Focus on me to get joy. Joy so that no matter what changes happen in your life, your heart can still rejoice, you can still have my light.” 

I want joy. I need joy. May the joy of the Lord be my strength. 

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Between a Rock and a Hard Place

I am sad.
I am sad because I feel hopeless and defeated.
I feel hopeless and defeated because I don’t know how to continue with Jupiter.

Jupiter is my current coworker who I feel the same unhealthy attachment towards, as I have Artemis, and all the ones before her. My friends joke that I should stop leaving my house because clearly I have a radar that senses these people and that’s how I always manage to find them. But that’s besides the point.

I spoke to my therapist this week about how I just want to pull away from Jupiter completely because I am terrified of her hurting me one day. Lately, as my want for her has grown, I have found it harder to interact with her. I second guess everything I’m doing, and everything I say. I am so afraid of doing or saying something that may be unhealthy. The last time we were together we spent the first 15min in silence because I just didn’t know what to do. We’ve been on vacation for over a week and at the start of the break, I deleted her contact information from my phone so that I could not contact her at all. It’s the holidays and I felt like if I contact her then I would be ruining the holidays for her. Why do I feel that? I don’t know. Maybe because I always think so lowly of myself that I always fear that my presence is a contamination.

As school is about to open, and we are about to go back to work, I have been having dreams about us. Us being in the classroom, and her ignoring me, and me breaking down crying. Of course in reality we are perfectly fine on her end. She is not emotionally immature and so she is able to remember that I am real even after not seeing me or hearing from me in a week. Me on the other hand, I feel like I don’t even know who she is anymore.

I want her so much and I am ashamed. So what do I do when I know that following my heart will lead to an unhealthy abusive friendship, which will end with her leaving, but my brain doesn’t have the answer. I saw a Disney Short about the brain and the heart deciding where the man went. So if I have arrested my heart, and my brain is clueless, where can I go? I stay stuck.

If I just distance myself from her completely, after all she has shared with me, and the trust she has in me, she would feel hurt and betrayed. But if I stay and ruin it then I will feel rejected and abandoned.

God teach me how to be. I feel my insides shutting down. I am tired of hurting people, and I am tired of getting hurt. Teach me God how to get it right this time.

The Disney Short I was referring to!

God Sees You and He Cares

This is a very impromptu post, but this thought just came into my heart and I wanted to share it. No edits, no touchups, just writing then sharing with you all.

I am very unhappy and I am very broken. Sometimes I still struggle with self-destructive behaviors, and am actually currently struggling with it now which is why I think I felt prompted to write this post. 

I am laying in bed bleeding physically and emotionally when God reminded me that i’ve been here before. However that reminder came with this unexplainable peace. I am in this cycle, an emotional roller coaster. I soar, then halfway in flight, I lose sensation, all awareness of why I am even flying. Where am I flying to, and whats the purpose of getting there? Instantaneously, I stop flapping my wings and allow myself to fall, not really caring where I land, how it will hurt, or who I will hurt on the way down. I just fall. I land and start thinking, if all I am going to do is lay here broken and useless then why keep breathing. But I still continue to breathe. I breathe until little by little, I find myself moving and eventually on the way to flying again. 

When God whispered to me that i’ve been here before, it took on this whole new meaning. At first, I wanted to ignore him because I don’t know why He would even come to me while I am in my sin. But what if what I see as failure, as a waste of life, God sees as purpose and all part of the process?

I don’t think God is surprised by my downs, sometimes I even feel like it makes sense to Him. But what He focuses on is that I don’t stay down as long as I use to. I fly longer. I have more genuine moments of peace and happiness. I am improving. All I see is the fall, whereas He sees the whole picture. He sees I’m struggling but that I’m honestly trying. Saying i’ve been here before is not meant to patronize me or make me feel like a screw up because I mess up. But I think He sees the shame I feel, the confusion I feel, the hopelessness, and He’s saying you see a dirty life, but I see temporary process. 

But here’s the realization that really brought peace. There’s room for my brokenness in His plan. It’s like I zoomed out and saw a glimpse of the whole world, and all around there was just broken people, suffering people, everywhere. Then I saw me, and I belonged and I mattered. My brokenness wasn’t an inconvenience, it wasn’t taking up space or time. I saw everyone in need and I also saw me. 

It just felt like God was saying I see everyone but I still also see you. Don’t worry about the cycle, be patient, i’m in control. I then pictured me as a hamster on a wheel and I began running the wheel with fervor, like i feel like im not getting anywhere now, but this wheel is attached to a generator, and if I run it long enough eventually the power meter will be full then the next phase will take off. My cycle is generating power for where God wants to take me next. 

God isn’t saying stay in sin. He’s saying recognize the pattern, and don’t be afraid to talk to me about the sin that confuses you. Don’t be afraid. You are confused. You genuinely don’t understand. Faith is doing whats right without understanding, but then there are just some core issues that won’t yield to our small faith alone. 

Mark 9:23-25, 28-29     Jesus said to him, “If you can believe, all things are possible to him who believes.”24 Immediately the father of the child cried out and said with tears, “Lord, I believe; help my unbelief!”

25 When Jesus saw that the people came running together, He rebuked the unclean spirit, saying to it: “Deaf and dumb spirit, I command you, come out of him and enter him no more!” 28 And when He had come into the house, His disciples asked Him privately, “Why could we not cast it out?” 29 So He said to them, “This kind can come out by nothing but prayer and fasting.”

So don’t be afraid when your faith is too small; that’s an opportunity to talk with God and strengthen your relationship with Him. Understand that the truth is whether you like it or not somethings you will struggle with for a long time, so believe that God believes you, that He is validating you, and struggle through WITH Him.