This is a very impromptu post, but this thought just came into my heart and I wanted to share it. No edits, no touchups, just writing then sharing with you all.
I am very unhappy and I am very broken. Sometimes I still struggle with self-destructive behaviors, and am actually currently struggling with it now which is why I think I felt prompted to write this post.
I am laying in bed bleeding physically and emotionally when God reminded me that i’ve been here before. However that reminder came with this unexplainable peace. I am in this cycle, an emotional roller coaster. I soar, then halfway in flight, I lose sensation, all awareness of why I am even flying. Where am I flying to, and whats the purpose of getting there? Instantaneously, I stop flapping my wings and allow myself to fall, not really caring where I land, how it will hurt, or who I will hurt on the way down. I just fall. I land and start thinking, if all I am going to do is lay here broken and useless then why keep breathing. But I still continue to breathe. I breathe until little by little, I find myself moving and eventually on the way to flying again.
When God whispered to me that i’ve been here before, it took on this whole new meaning. At first, I wanted to ignore him because I don’t know why He would even come to me while I am in my sin. But what if what I see as failure, as a waste of life, God sees as purpose and all part of the process?
I don’t think God is surprised by my downs, sometimes I even feel like it makes sense to Him. But what He focuses on is that I don’t stay down as long as I use to. I fly longer. I have more genuine moments of peace and happiness. I am improving. All I see is the fall, whereas He sees the whole picture. He sees I’m struggling but that I’m honestly trying. Saying i’ve been here before is not meant to patronize me or make me feel like a screw up because I mess up. But I think He sees the shame I feel, the confusion I feel, the hopelessness, and He’s saying you see a dirty life, but I see temporary process.
But here’s the realization that really brought peace. There’s room for my brokenness in His plan. It’s like I zoomed out and saw a glimpse of the whole world, and all around there was just broken people, suffering people, everywhere. Then I saw me, and I belonged and I mattered. My brokenness wasn’t an inconvenience, it wasn’t taking up space or time. I saw everyone in need and I also saw me.
It just felt like God was saying I see everyone but I still also see you. Don’t worry about the cycle, be patient, i’m in control. I then pictured me as a hamster on a wheel and I began running the wheel with fervor, like i feel like im not getting anywhere now, but this wheel is attached to a generator, and if I run it long enough eventually the power meter will be full then the next phase will take off. My cycle is generating power for where God wants to take me next.
God isn’t saying stay in sin. He’s saying recognize the pattern, and don’t be afraid to talk to me about the sin that confuses you. Don’t be afraid. You are confused. You genuinely don’t understand. Faith is doing whats right without understanding, but then there are just some core issues that won’t yield to our small faith alone.
Mark 9:23-25, 28-29 Jesus said to him, “If you can believe, all things are possible to him who believes.”24 Immediately the father of the child cried out and said with tears, “Lord, I believe; help my unbelief!”
25 When Jesus saw that the people came running together, He rebuked the unclean spirit, saying to it: “Deaf and dumb spirit, I command you, come out of him and enter him no more!” 28 And when He had come into the house, His disciples asked Him privately, “Why could we not cast it out?” 29 So He said to them, “This kind can come out by nothing but prayer and fasting.”
So don’t be afraid when your faith is too small; that’s an opportunity to talk with God and strengthen your relationship with Him. Understand that the truth is whether you like it or not somethings you will struggle with for a long time, so believe that God believes you, that He is validating you, and struggle through WITH Him.