Abnormally Weird

Growing up I found it interesting when people would enjoy getting called weird. Whenever I got called weird it made me upset because I did not want to be weird, but normal. When faced with my anger my peers would comment and say don’t worry everyone is weird. Uhhh…so if everyone is weird then does that mean that weird is the normal??? Faced with this new realization I began to take the world by storm and be natural. Now, uhhh incidentally the same people who I would hear bragging about how they were proud to be weird began giving me the sideways glance. That look like, shorty is just a little too weird. It wasn’t anything negative really, I still made friends because people loved the comedic relief that I brought to my friendships but over time I realized in this normalized abyss of weirdness that I still felt left out.

As I developed and matured, my sense of self diminished because my feeling different escalated. I matured from the outgoing, outspoken, daring pre-teen, to a timid, insecure young lady. I began wanting to box myself in when all my heart really wanted to do was find a meadow of flowers with my journal and pretend I’m in the Little House on the Prairie. More than this though I wanted someone who would sit in the meadows with me and love me for me. Someone to appreciate the sickening cheese sauce dripping from those last two lines.

Sometimes I get crazy enough to believe that even God does not love me for me. I think that somewhere along the way I allowed myself to be play dough in the hands of this world instead of clay in the Hands of The Skilled Potter. Like play dough the world had it’s fun then left me and now I’m dry, cracked and disheveled. I was so bent up on the world not seeing me as abnormally weird that I took on the worlds vast array of opinions and tried becoming a perfect me. The world didn’t do anything to me. It was in fearing the imperfections that comes with being human, and striving to create a perfect self that I lost sight of me. I took myself from The Potters hand and thought my play dough could do a better job.

Today, I am standing in my mess before God, like a child with their shrugged shoulders and oops face admitting that I can’t do it alone…and He is shaking His head and smiling and picking me up to clean me up and resume His work in me. I love my God.

The “Underdog” does Prosper

So I was listening to music, as I usually am, and one of the lines in this song resonated with me…

“And before my head agrees, my heart is on its knees…”

The song is sung by Francesca Battistelli and it is about Mary after the angel told her she would be with child. Now I was never one of those young girls moved by Mary. Yea, I thought she was nice and chosen by God to carry Jesus, but sometimes I just felt like, ok, where is the personality? I wanted to be Esther, so beautiful and cunning that I manage to capture the attention of a king. Then brave enough to decide to risk my life, ruin my marriage, all to save my people. I don’t know man, next to that, Mary just seemed so submissive and boring to me, no offense Jesus.

But you know lately, I have been learning a lesson or twenty about control. In this walk with God control no longer belongs to me, and well that’s very scary. Finding yourself in situations where you can do absolutely nothing, nothing logical that is, but wait for God to save you or turn the tide is very frustrating. I liked to control everything. From the infrastructure of my friendships to the infrastructure of society in general. Someone explain to me why I thought that just because Laura wanted something to go this way, then that is the way it would go…Then when it didn’t go that way I walked away from it.

Hmm, so now I find myself constantly butting heads with God because I am too impatient to give his way a chance to flourish. And in my control maniac ways I tend to walk away from God. Problem is though, I realize now that I have no place to go. Deep Sigh. Now I pray for a little bit of Mary in me. To just trust God and walk by faith and not by sight. To follow before He explains to me the logistics of where I am going. That is sooo hard. I love Esther, but I see now that Mary too was a boss in her own right.

Here’s the song, hope you enjoy!

Alone in the Midst of People

So it is day four of my week long “forty days and forty nights” and man I applaud Moses and Elijah for their strength because I am struggling. Tuesday I was ready to call it quits and log back into that good ole facebook just so I could feel connected to the world again. Now Thursday again I was so ready to log back in. I even began to tell God my apologies for breaking fast. Then God did what He does best (I mean besides everything that is 😉 ) and that is to still me, and come meet me right where I was. It’s ironic because I was suppose to be practicing to be still anyways, but hey, that’s why He is here, to remind me of the important things I forget.

Anywho, I began uttering my apologies in a light hearted manner like “look God, Man I tried but cut me some slack that I even lasted this long.” Whereas my humorous tone may have been able to fool people, God, the interpreter of my heart, did not blink as He lovingly revealed to me, that my tone may be light but there is nothing light about my heart. He saw behind my facade and exposed to me what really laid behind my inability to refrain from social media, which was discontented loneliness. I felt empty and lonely because I wanted what I could not have. In essence, He basically revealed that I was willing to break my promises to Him, to seek fulfillment from facebook.  I write that and just laugh at myself.

Yesterday, I began re-reading the story of Ruth and something at the end of chapter 1 stuck out to me. It read in verses 20-21, “And she said unto them, Call me not Naomi, call me Ma’ra: for the Almighty hath dealt very bitterly with me. I went out full, and the Lord hath brought me home again empty: why then ye call me Naomi, seeing the Lord hath testified against me, and the Almighty hath afflicted me?” To do a little backtracking Naomi did have a reason to feel sad. She left Bethlehem-Judah with her husband and two sons for the town of Moab, and now she is returning back home bereft of all three because they died. However, her two sons were married to two ladies called Or’pah and Ruth and after a series of tears and hugs Or’pah decided to heed Naomi’s advice and return to her land but Ruth said no. To be exact, in verses 16-17 “Ruth said, intreat me not to leave thee, or to return from following after thee: for whither thou goest I will go; and where thou lodgest I will lodge: thy people shall be my people, and thy God my God: Where thou diest, will I die, and there will I be buried: the Lord do so to me, and more also, if ought but death part thee and me.” That was some serious commitment. So to go back to what Naomi says in verses 20-21, I don’t know about you guys, but if I was Ruth I would have had to do that, stop, cock your head to the side, and have on the “well dang” look. I would have thought “empty? I mean I understand you lost a lot but could you at least acknowledge my presence. At least say, empty besides my lovely daughter in law Ruth.” But I am not Ruth and Ruth was probably confident enough in herself to not go making things about her and taking Naomi’s words personal.

Nope, I was not Ruth but I however saw a little bit of myself in Naomi during those two verses. Now I am no theologian or bible scholar. I do not know if the original language of those verses actually said that Naomi said she was brought back a widow and not necessarily empty. I do not know. But in the moment of just those two verses I asked myself, how many times do I allow myself to focus on what I lost instead of what I have gained? How many times am I quick to accuse God of being so unfair to me because my life was not looking the way I wanted it to look? How many times am I so ready to define myself not by the good of who God says I am, but by the bad that has happened to me? A lot of times.

Naomi was not completely empty because she had standing beside her Ruth who would keep her company when she felt alone. Ruth, who would later be the blessing she needed to acquire a man who could care for them both. Unlike Naomi, I am blessed today to always have the Holy Spirit standing beside me. To make me laugh when I want to be mad, to chastise me when I am being foolish, to stroke my hair when I am feeling sad, and most importantly, to fill me up when I am running empty. I don’t want to keep neglecting Him because I am choosing to focus on what I lack, like a facebook. Like seriously, we all know there is nothing that good about facebook so why was I even trying to play. Why facebook, when I have a nephew I could call and watch him call me “auntie leela;” or friends, who if we so desired to flunk out of college (trust me sometimes we get close) I could call and spend hours talking to and laughing over vines or the mundane events of our lives, like proposals to be someones third wife.

All of this to say, do not let anything or anyone, especially yourself, convince you that you are alone. There may be some rough seasons where you have to feel alone to learn a lesson, but you are never alone. Don’t neglect to see the people that God has blessed you with and above all, do not neglect to see God.

The Life of a Gemini

Contrary to the title of this blog I am not a believer of the wondrous horoscope. However, like many I am aware of my sign and incidentally my sign fits exactly how I have been feeling lately.

To back track a bit, how about we start with why I chose to create a blog. My dear ole best friend pointed out yesterday that my journal is my outlet and that it gets me through a lot. I loved that! I knew that I journaled, mostly to God, every chance that I got but I never realized that it truly is the medium through which I restore myself and set myself back on my paths. Delving deeper into this I realized I just liked the idea of “journaling” in general. The bookmarks on my laptop are a testament to the fact that in my downtime I enjoy reading tons of blogs. There is something so entertaining about being able to sit back, relax and read the tid bits of wisdom bestowed upon all these people during their “journaling” experiences. I mean hey, blogging is but a different form of journaling. So while reading one of the newest blogs I happened to stumble upon, I got this idea to create my own blog. It was a thrilling and scary idea but I brought it up to God nonetheless to hear what He had to say. In the peace of my soul I knew that this would be an eye opening and growing experience and so thus begins this blog.

Lately, I have been feeling God calling me to my own little “forty days and forty nights.” So I signed out of my facebook and Instagram for the week and started this week long series of learning to trust, relax, and listen to God. While starting this series however something really began pressing upon my heart and I cannot seem to shake it. I feel as if I am living a double life. As the “twin” of the zodiac I have reached a crossroads where my flesh and my spirit are staring each other down ready for the ultimate face-off. I feel as if away from home I am a Christian actively seeking and pursuing a way to live for Christ. However, at home I shy away from my Christianity and choose instead to keep up the part of the baby incapable of growing up and being the daughter, sister, and aunt that God has called me to be. For some reason, unbeknownst to me, I fear the thought of living out Gods plan for me in my home.

This is where I am right now and this is probably exactly where I am supposed to be. I do not have all the answers, and God has not revealed to me all the steps I am to take during my time here on this Earth. However, He has revealed enough to tell me to just obey and not to worry and not to be anxious, but to continue to pray and give thanks for all He has provided me with now. I may not be the best daughter, sister, or auntie that I can be, but for now that is fine because in my weaknesses His strength is magnified in me. So I will continue to trust, relax, and listen, knowing that He has my back and He is working in the little to overflow into the big.